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Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Mystery of the Leftover Thief

The communal refrigerator at work is stocked with lots of delicious goodies, some healthy and some not, to satisfy the fussiest taste buds. There's blueberries, strawberries, yogurt, cheeses, sodas, milk, etc. Additionally, there's cookies, crackers, cereal, chocolates, nuts, candies, pretzels, peanut butter, breads, bagels, muffins, coffees, teas, etc. stacked on shelves for easy access. It's a smorgasbord of delight, a sugar lover's nirvana. There's even a request list taped to the refrigerator to make sure no one's craving goes unquenched.

But something very mysterious has been happening. Someone is shunning the communal goodies and stealing people's leftovers, the take-out containers they bring back when they go out to lunch. Yesterday it was pad thai and mushi pork. The other day it was eggplant parmegiana.

What would provoke someone to do that? Can it be the thief has a fetish, a secret arousal from eating someone else's half-eaten food?

I've placed a note on the refrigerator asking people not to take what's not theirs, and if they're uncertain of who's food it is they should ask before they bite.

But the mystery continues...

Maybe I should secretly install a video camera and then post the culprit video on You Tube.

Wouldn't it be funny if it was the big boss doing the stealing?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Truck Testicles

On Tuesday I was driving to the airport to pick up a friend when I saw the strangest thing hanging from underneath the axle of a pick-up truck in front of me. It looked like a rather large scrotum, except this one was shiny silver. I assumed the truck must have run something over and it got caught on the axle. Then I looked again…

I blinked. I shook my head. I thought I was imagining things.

Then I sped up and tailgated the truck to get a closer look and yep, it was a silver scrotum with two big balls. Those pendulous testes bounced with the rhythm of the truck, up and down and from side to side.

At one point we hit speed bumps and wow, did those things swing! I could feel their pain and immediately reached between my legs to protect myself.

Those truck testicles needed a jockstrap for their own protection.

I did some Internet research and there is a company that manufactures these balls for trucks. Their slogan is: A pair of bull balls can give your vehicle a big testosterone boost!

What will they think of next?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Revenge of the Dummies

The other night I saw Dead Silence, a new horror film from the team that brought us Saw. It's about a ventriloquist named Mary Shaw who kidnaps and murders a bratty boy who insulted her at one of her shows. The townspeople of Raven Fair hunt her down, cut her tongue out, and kill her. She's buried, along with her dummies, in the town cemetery.

Shortly thereafter fear and death plagues Raven Fair. The dummies come out of their graves and seek revenge on all the families involved in Mary Shaw's death.

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
And if you see her do not scream
Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seam


There's blood. There's gore. There's lots of people having their tongues ripped out.

I wasn't terrified at all… no gasping, no closing my eyes in anticipation, no jumping from my seat, no screaming, no fear, and certainly no nightmares.

Occasionally I did howl with laughter at some of the inane dialogue, bad acting, and hideous leaps-of-faith that were thrust upon us with its thin storyline.

Dead Silence missed the mark for me. What should've been scary wasn't scary at all.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Random Thoughts Part Three...

The other day I met a British woman for coffee and conversation. I called our conversation a chat. She called it a "chin-wag." I think I now have a new favorite phrase.

Sundried tomatoes make me horny.

Anna Nicole has finally been laid to rest, but the circus that was her life sadly continues. Who's the daddy? Certainly not Howard K. Stern. He's creepy in that "I'd do anything, even commit murder, for money" sort of way. And his sister Bonnie Stern is a media whore. I'm willing to bet Anna Nicole never liked her.

Ann Coulter is a hateful, despicable, sub-human creature.

I've been listening to Tom Waits a lot lately. His 1973 ClosingTime album is superb. I keep playing the songs "Ol' 55" and "Martha" over and over and over.

Notes On A Scandal is a must see film. Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett are phenomenal.

Starr Jones, the original Bride-zilla, announced she's got a new Court TV gig. Does anyone really care?

American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee gives me the chills, and not the good kind either. Her singing sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. Will someone please tell her to shut up!

Los Angeles finally has a country music radio station. 105.1 FM.

Paul Young and Clannad perform "Both Sides Now" as a haunting duet. Check it out.

I've had a magnet of Divine, the original Edna Turnblad, on my refrigerator for the past 15 years.

"Tonight I Fancy Myself" by The Beautiful South is a fun song.

I'm hungry.