Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Here Comes The New Year

Oh damn, it’s the end of the year when everyone’s gonna make new year resolutions we all know they’ll never keep. As the clock strikes midnight people will stumble tall and proud and loudly slur their new year intentions for everyone to hear.
For those who promise to do physical transformations I think we should do photos at the beginning of the year and then at the end of the year to document if they really do do what they say they will do. And next year the before and after photos can be their Holiday Greeting Card.

For those who promise behavior changes I think we should follow them with webcams throughout the year and record them in action, and then post their progress, or disgrace, all over the Internet.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of hearing my friends say:

I’m gonna hit the gym at least three times a week.

I’m gonna finally lose the weight I gained over the holidays.

I’m gonna stop swearing.

I’m gonna be more tolerant to idiots.

I’m gonna stop being a whore.

I’m gonna only drink on the weekends.

I’m gonna give up eating junk food.

I’m gonna do monthly colonics.

I’m gonna have that tattoo removed.

I’m gonna learn how to swim.

Blah, blah, blah...

Last night I was lying in bed laughing about silly resolutions when I looked up into the mirror and thought, “Oh fuck, this holiday season I’ve gained another inch on my waist and my gym membership’s about to expire and oh hell, I can’t believe that idiot Sarah Palin has a best selling book and that Tiger Woods is a fucking whore hound, and oooh those vodka martinis Monday night were too damn good, and that KFC extra crispy chicken tonight made me gassy and constipated, and why did I ever get that mistletoe tattoo around my johnson, and now it’s way late and I’d better turn off the porn and try to get some sleep, and I hope I don’t have that nightmare tonight where I’m drowning in a sea of doom."

Happy New Year.

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