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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

MC Pope Benny

The media has been abuzz with photos of Pope Benedict XVI sporting a new urban look while sashaying around his summer residence. It’s daring. It’s so aughties. And with the ostentatious gold cross dangling around his papal neck he looks like he’s ready to break into rhyme.

What provoked this new look?

Well... I have friends at the Vatican who know the skinny on the secrets of the church, and it seems that Pope Benedict is recording a rap album under his new rapper moniker MC Pope Benny. His first CD is being released in October and will feature raps sung in Latin, Polish, English, and Pig Latin.

Songs include “Alter Boys Got the Shizzle,” “Nuns Undone,” “Frisky Father Faithful,” “When Jesus Calls I Come,” “I Am the Pope, Damn It,” “Holy Water Burns,” and a loving tribute to Mother Teresa called “Mother T Got Down.”

Word’s up that after Saturday confessionals the Pope and a group of self-flagellating priests sneak into the Vatican Dance Dungeon to spin the tunes and rehearse for a performance on Saturday Night Live. Leaks from the inner sanctum say that Pope Benny is getting quite good with his dance moves, and can now grab his crotch to the rhythm of the rhyme.

Why Saturday Night Live for his debut?

Well... My Vatican moles have confided that the Pope has been bitching about “that bitch” Betty White’s success and he wants a piece of her fame.

Hopefully we’ll be able to pre-order the CD on the Vatican website soon.

To be frank, I think the baseball cap should be placed backwards on the papal head for his publicity shots. I think it would go better with the Vatican muumuu and the oversized bling.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Funny Little Man

Watching TV is not one of my favorite pastimes. There are periods where my TV isn’t turned on for days at a time. It’s not that I don’t like TV. I think it’s a terrific form of entertainment, and there are shows - once I stumble upon them or are forced to watch them - that I end up really enjoying.

It’s just getting me to watch a show for the first time that’s difficult. I had never seen an episode of “Sex and the City” until it was in re-runs playing late night. I would never have been gleeked with “Glee” if it weren’t for a friend inviting me over for dinner and having the show on.

Those times I’ve been near death with the flu or a cold or a mental breakdown I’ve curled on the couch like a beached whale and in my near delirium watched TV. Did you know that “Law and Order: SVU” is on hours every day? You can pass out from a high fever at 10:00 AM and wake up at 4:00 PM and that show is still on.

After hearing raves from numerous people about “Modern Family” I decided it needed to be investigated.

From the first time I watched it I was totally hooked. I think it’s the best sitcom on TV. Why? It’s not just the topnotch writing, the incredible characters (and the actors and actresses who portray them), or the very funny story lines. It’s because of one actor in particular: Rico Rodriguez who plays little Manny Delgado.

Rodriguez is absolutely hysterical. In the show he’s something like 10 going on 30, precocious, and absolutely fearless in his thoughts. He’s the type of kid I wish I were growing up.

The show was recently nominated for a ton of Emmy Awards, but sadly Rico, aka Manny, was overlooked. Shame on the Academy! He deserved to be nominated. He’s a funny, funny, funny little man.

Maybe I should take the initiative and watch more TV, and not just after hearing about shows from friends or when I’m on death’s door.

Friday, July 16, 2010

It Doesn’t Grow Back

Teenage mother Bristol Palin and her baby daddy Levi Johnston have decided to get married and form a real family, a family with true Christian values.

And in the true Christian way they have decided to not have sex until their wedding night.

Does Bristol know that her little piece of virginity isn’t growing back for the wedding night no matter how many prayers are uttered from her non-virgin lips? Once it’s broken it doesn’t grow back, Bristol.

Will she wear white with a scarlet letter and a black hem?

I wonder if Levi really was her first.. or her second... or her third or fourth... or was the football team her first?

As for publicity whore Levi, he’s got the attention span of a gnat, the IQ of an idiot, and the ego of swollen penis. Does anybody really believe he’s gonna remain faithful?

Mother Sarah must be so proud. I bet she throws them a huge tea party to celebrate.

I give the marriage less than a year.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Good Riddance, Lindsay

All the Lindsay Lohan hoopla finally hit the fan yesterday with the judge sentencing her to 90 days jail followed by 90 days rehab.

It was a tense moment in my household wishing, hoping, praying to the God of Celebrity that the all-too-often drugged out, drunk, bitchy, semi-gay, semi-straight, sex addict, too-old-for-her-age train wreck would be granted a minor slap on the wrist and be allowed to continue her life as a true role model for the kids of today.

When the judge announced her ruling, well, a part of me just died.

How does the song go? Bye, bye Miss American Pie...

While Lindsay’s behind bars getting cozy with Big Bertha and Large Marge what are we - the public - going to do? What will all the media outlets do without her? Will they be forced to report actual news?

With her out of action will the drug dealers be forced to go on unemployment?

And then today it’s being shown that classy, lady-like Lindsay had “fuck you” painted on her coke encrusted fingernails as a special message to the judge.

If I were the judge I’d not allow her to serve in a Los Angeles jail. I’d send her to Guantanamo Bay.

Good riddance, Lindsay, you got exactly what your bad behavior deserves.