Sunday, April 24, 2011

Jelly Beans and Bird Poop

We all love queens. She-queens. He-queens. And everything in between queens.

Oh joyous, crown wearing royalty you take my breath away.

And when a commoner is about to become un-common the whole world takes notice.

Last week I was amused to read that a British man was eating from a bag of jelly beans and as he reached down to grab a bean he noticed the image of Kate Middleton, the soon to be wife of Prince William, staring up at him with her doe-like eyes.
She’s a pretty lass and as an orange jelly bean she’s an even prettier lass. If it ends up on E-bay I might be tempted to place a bid.

Not to be outdone by a Brit with a bag of jelly beans I too have made not one, but two image discoveries this past week.

The other day I was coming out of work and noticed some birds had pooped on my windshield. As I positioned myself in the driver’s seat I was about to turn on the windshield wipers to wipe the poop away when I suddenly gasped. There right before in the middle of the bird poop was the face of J-Lo. Yes, Jenny from the block, the Selena actress, the new American Idol judge.

I quickly drove to the nearest windshield store and had my windshield carefully removed. It’s now up on E-bay waiting for bids to make me rich, rich, rich.

The following day I left work and as I approached my car with its new windshield I noticed that once again birds had pooped all over my windshield. I leaned over my windshield, took a deep breath, and with anticipation raging like a forthcoming orgasm I stared...

And there in the middle of the poop was the face of Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin? What kind of cruel joke was this? I immediately grabbed a hammer and smashed the friggin’ windshield.

Tomorrow I’m taking the bus to work.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Super Glued at the Superstore

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, “Gee, maybe today when I head over to Walmart I’ll get the urge for a bowel movement and when I sit on the toilet seat it’ll be covered in glue and my fat hairy ass will get stuck to it.”

Can you even imagine such a thing happening? Well it did happen on April 1st at the Elkton, Maryland Walmart Superstore.

Some prankster/asshole/toilet seat fetish freak went into the men’s room and doused the toilet seat with glue. And then a 48-year-old man went into the stall, dropped his drawers, and put his ass onto the seat.

“Help. I’m stuck and I can’t get up!”

The paramedics were able to remove the man from the stall, but were unable to free his ass from the toilet seat. So the man was brought to the hospital where the seat was successfully detached leaving his cheeks red and raw.

Okay, I want to know why the man, before he dropped his pants and sat, didn’t look at the toilet and see something sticky/wet/shiny on the seat? Wouldn’t you? I mean, public bathrooms can be pretty disgusting. If he placed the toilet seat protector paper on the seat wouldn’t he have seen the paper absorb the stickiness and know not to sit?

Maybe the poor guy was having severe abdominal cramps and didn’t have time to look. He just rushed into the stall, dropped his pants, sat, farted and grunted and let it all out, and only when it was over did he realize the sticky situation he was in.

What a humiliating experience!

That’s why I never go to Wal-Mart, and I never sit on public toilet seats.

And that’s why I always seem to have a constipated look when I’m in public.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The Spaghetti Tree

All over the Internet the other day I kept reading about historic April Fool’s Day pranks that actually fooled folks. Some were outrageous and only the insanely gullible would ever believe such dribble. Some made me giggle. One in particular made me hungry.

In 1957 the BBC ran a segment about the coming of spring after a rather mild winter, and questioned what this meant for Swiss farmers. The answer they gave their attentive audience was an unusually large spaghetti crop. Well...

People contacted the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. Oh yes they did! And the BBC promptly responded with “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

I would love to harvest spaghetti trees.

During harvest time I’d lay in my hammock underneath my prized spaghetti trees swaying to the rhythm of the breeze holding a large porcelain bowl catching the spaghetti strands as they ripened and fell from the tree.

I’d then wander to my meatball tree... oh yes... I’d admire my prized balls... meat... turkey... soy... then I’d gently reach up and squeeze a branch (insert double cough here) until the balls fell into my porcelain bowl of spaghetti.

Then I’d head over to the marinara plant and pop the marinara blossoms until juicy marina squirted beautifully over my spaghetti and balls.

And as a final touch I’d visit the parmesan bushes that grow wild amongst the marinara plants. Shake, shake, shake the bush until the parmesan sprinkles lightly over the spaghetti, balls, and marinara.

And for dessert I’d sneak over to my neighbor’s house and steal a scrumptious connoli from their treasured connoli tree.

Mmm... mmm.... good.

I just planted a spaghetti spring in a tin of marinara.