Sunday, April 01, 2012

Happy Friggin’ Birthday Co-Worker

I love cake.

Chocolate cake. Vanilla cake. Carrot cake. Prune cake. Tres Leche cake. Rum Cake. You name it, I love it.

I hate office birthdays.

I hate gathering around a co-worker and surprising them (really?) with a birthday cake singing that dreadful “Happy Birthday” song. It’s usually sung out of tune, and the chorus of co-workers usually makes it sound like a dirge rather than a joyous ditty.

It’s a waste of good cake.

It’s a waste of my time.

Don’t even get me started on birthday candles and the tradition of blowing them out. Why do I want the gross germs from my co-worker when they blow all over the cake? Can I have an extra large slice of germs, please?

Does anybody genuinely laugh when some office idiot decides to use candles that cannot be blown out?

Years ago I worked with a woman who used to experience multiple orgasms (the only kind I’m sure she ever had) when it was someone’s birthday. The eve of a birthday she’d secretly stay late and decorate the person’s office/desk area like it was New Year’s Eve in the sub-basement of a suburban home. Glitter, noise makes, silly hats, streamers, balloons, and even more glitter.

Why? Why? Why?

At the end of the day there’d be frosting and glitter stuck to the carpet which would stick to your shoes and get trampled all around the office... and into your car... and into your house.

Vacuums don’t get all the glitter all the time. It’s there like a nuisance long after the “happy” festivity.

Damn birthday glitter. Damn birthday frosting. Damn co-worker’s birthday.

I much prefer celebrating Ground Hog Day.

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