Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Ain’t No Pretty Young Thing

 Sometimes I like to pour myself a large glass of malbec, get comfy in my easy chair, and watch the crazies get crazier.  That’s what I’ve been doing this past week...

Janet Jackson told her she’s a “spoiled little bitch” after the little bitch screamed, “This is our house... Get the fuck out.”

Gladys Knight thinks she’s a snot-nosed little brat.

Who’s the well-mannered girl?

It’s none other than Paris Jackson, the 14 year old daughter of Michael Jackson. 
(NOTE: There is considerable question as to whether Michael produced the sperm that spawned Paris. It’s more plausible he just bought the sperm from the Internet or from his dermatologist.)

At 14 she’s become outspoken and overbearing and a celebrity seeking maniac.  What is she going to be like when she’s older?  She’s a train wreck in the making. She needs  a slap across the face and some intense therapy.

Money-greed changes everything and the Jacksons, the self-proclaimed American Dynasty, are taking their greed to the media. Of course it’s no mere coincidence that the Jacksons are simultaneously launching a concert tour amidst all this family trauma/drama. It’s all about ticket sales and scandal sells tickets.

I heard rumors that Paris wants to act and she wants to produce and she probably wants to sing and remake the mega-selling Thriller.  Sadly with her current overblown ego she ain’t no pretty young thing. She might wanna be starting something but she needs to beat it and find some human nature.

It’s sad, but something tells me (as Jackson history has proven) it’s only gonna get crazier and crazier.

I’m gonna need a lot more wine.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

My Grocery Store Adventure

This afternoon I walked to the grocery to pick up a few items. It was a nice warm day and I figured I’d enjoy the fresh air. And yes oh yes I brought a canvas bag so I wouldn’t have to lug groceries home in a non-biodegradable plastic bag.

On my way out of the store I walked across the parking lot and turned onto the sidewalk.  As I made my turn two older women were walking towards me. One was pushing a small suitcase, the kind with wheels. She was in a total fit, and I noticed she was ready to kick something out of her way. She then pushed her little suitcase cart at what was blocking her as if to run it over.

I looked down and noticed there was a homeless man sleeping on the edge of the sidewalk. She could easily have walked by, and she did, but when she did she yelled “Why don’t you get out my way and go lay down in the parking lot so some car can run you over.”  

Her old lady friend eyed the homeless man and shook her head with disgust.

Whoah... hold on bitches...  

In a calm yet stern voice I told her the man sleeping on the sidewalk is a person, a man with a soul, and she should be ashamed of herself for saying something so awful, so horrible, so mean. 

That didn’t stop her from flapping her dentures and repeating, in a loud shrill of a voice, that the homeless man should be run over by a car.

Whoah.... If I ever see that lady again I’m gonna be tempted to push her into the street and laugh as a car runs her over. 

Okay I won’t do that because I don’t push old ladies into the street even if they are awful, horrible, and mean. But I’ll definitely think about it. 

And that was my adventure walking to the grocery store today.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when I walk to the library.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Torry Hansen is The Worst Mother

Everybody meet Torry Hansen. 

If you don’t remember her let me refresh your memory...

Torry Hansen did something wonderful when she adopted a little boy from Russia. Oh yes, she was saving a little Russian boy from a life of Russian misery and giving him a home in America, more specifically her home.  She had every intention of fulfilling her responsibilities as a parent, a mother, a protector of her newly adopted child.

But Torry got restless and lost interest.  Her adopted son wasn’t the child she thought she was getting when she signed the adoption papers. 

So what do you do when you adopt and the child doesn’t live to your expectations? Well you do what Torry Hansen did.

She bought the seven year old boy a one way ticket to Russia and put him on the plane by himself. Now before you get angry you must know she did give him a letter to give to people in Russia saying she didn’t want to be his mother anymore because she thought he had violent behavior problems. How adult! How responsible!

Oh dear... this sub-human woman should be thrown in prison for the rest of her selfish life. I am disgusted by her behavior.  It’s called neglect and abuse. Because times got tough she took the coward’s route and discarded the little boy like a piece of furniture that doesn’t match the carpet or draperies.

The courts recently ruled she must pay $150,000 in child support.  Sadly no criminal charges were filed.

And the kicker to all of this is that she recently gave birth to a baby girl. I pity that poor little girl having the DNA of a mother like Torry Hansen. I foresee lots of therapy as that poor child becomes an adult.

What’s gonna happen if the little girl has a temper tantrum? Will mother of the year Torry Hansen take the little girl out to the woods and leave her there to fend for herself? Do it once and it’s easier to do again. She could then get pregnant again and again until she gets the child she wants. She’s young, her ovaries are working, so what’s to stop her from doing that?

Vile. Disgusting. Torry Hansen is truly the worst mother.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Red Mattress

This morning I was riding my bicycle to the gym when I saw something about fifty yards ahead of me.   There on the side of the sidewalk was a discarded red mattress. It looked sad and forlorn. I just had to take its picture:

I’m fascinated with discarded furniture on the side of the road. I’m curious to know who put it there? What’s its’ story?  Did it have a happy life before its owner decided to toss it away? Who’s gonna be its new owner? Will end up in a landfill slowly rotting away or will someone take pity on it and bring it home?

This poor red mattress must’ve been there for hours, maybe overnight, because it was tainted with sprinkler spray. Whomever turned on the sprinkler didn’t think of the well-being of the discarded red mattress. They let it get wet. Who wants to rescue a wet mattress? Not even a wandering coyote or a rabid squirrel would take a nap on that thing.

It’s a double bed mattress so I imagine it had more than one person enjoying its comfort. Did they use it mainly for sleeping in a sexless relationship, or did it enjoy significant bouncing from two people passionately in love?  Or did its slutty owner have multiple sex partners rolling over it, sometimes more than two at a time? Was a baby conceived on it?

I glanced at the building it was in front of and it’s a rather nice building with, I imagine, rather nice people living there.  Why would a rather nice couple toss it so carelessly on the sidewalk? Was it the victim of a nasty breakup?

I felt an itch on my thigh.  Then it came to me... bedbugs!  Can bedbugs jump? Do they leap? I have meaty thighs. Are meaty thighs more palatable to a bedbug?

I quickly brushed my naked thighs and slowly backed away, jumped on my bike, and pedaled as fast as I could.

As I rode further down the street I came across a discarded box spring on the side of the sidewalk.  I couldn’t even imagine a happy story for it. All I could think of were bedbugs. I pedaled to the other side of the street.

I’m still itchy.