Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Too Pooped To Pope

Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joseph “Little Joey” Ratzinger) has resigned from Popedom claiming at 85 he’s too old and feeble to fulfill his Papal duties. This hasn’t happened in 600 years, and has gotten all the corporate employees of the Vatican all revved up running reckless through the corridors desperately spinning the Public Relations stories and shredding documents. 

It’s always something, isn’t it? 

Over the past few years I’ve heard rumors Pope Benny has developed various ailments which has convinced him he’s too pooped to pope.

I understand his neck has been in terrible pain from always looking the other way when sex abuse scandals interrupt his backgammon games with altar boys.

I heard his speedo was so tight he suffered severe vertigo and almost drowned in the papal swimming pool at the 2012 Vatican Pool Party Summer BBQ (no women were allowed, and clothing was optional).  He should have gone speedo-less. FYI - the papal swimming pool is filled to the brim with holy water. 

I also heard he’s developed a severe allergic reaction to frankincense and as a result his papal nose suffers terrible mucus build up.  At first it was rumored it had to do with an 80s cocaine habit, but that was proven just a rumor. His drug of choice was heroin. 

But fear not, Pope Benny has plenty of options for his future, that’s if he can avoid prosecution for his involvement is those pesky sex scandals made famous by priests and cardinals and other Vatican folk over the past centuries. 

With his vast array of embroidered house dresses I’m sure he’ll fit right in at Tuesday Night Bingo games on the boardwalk. 

I’ve also heard he’s been recording a rap CD cleverly titled “Pope Benny Raps with Kanye.”  One song celebrates Kanye and Kim’s pre-marital coitus and the bastard child about to be born. Sounds like a hit. 

Oh yes, endless possibilities. 

Once he leaves the Papal Palace he’ll be spending a considerable time on the American West Coast. And when he does he’ll be sharing a one bedroom condo in West Hollywood with the disgraced Los Angeles Cardinal Mahoney.  I heard they’ve already decorated it with leopard drapery, leopard upholstered furniture, and soft pink lighting. 

If all these fascinating opportunities somehow fail him I am certain Pope Benny would make a damn good greeter at Walmart.

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