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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Yoga Face


One Saturday not too long ago I decided I needed to get more centered, more into a spiritual state of mind, and most importantly more limber.  My old bones were petrifying and calcifying with every tick of the death-clock and I needed to turn back time and I needed to do it asap.

Tick… tick… tick

I logged on to the Internet and found a yoga studio not too far from home. With my somewhat skewed sense of self I thought I could handle a ninety minute class so I immediately signed up.

Tick… tick… tick

I struggled through that first class doing my best to hide my bruised ego and sad, sad yoga poses. I secretly eyed the woman on the mat beside me to mimic her every move. Her legs seemed to twist and bend like young willow branches whereas mine felt like dead logs mired in mud.

In the silence of the room I swear everyone could hear my muscles and bones screaming to stop, stop, stop.

I was asking my body to get physical and my body was telling me to fuck off.  

Tick… tick… tick

Never being one to admit defeat or failure I signed up for another class. I was determined to be a good yoga practitioner, damn it, and achieve limberness.

But age can be a cruel friend and the ticking clock a torment. 

At last week's class as I struggled to swing my leg over over head while my other leg tried desperately to balance my unbalanced body I could no longer hide my anguish and I grimaced, and then I puckered my face with all the pain of screaming bones and muscles.

Ooooooo!
And in the silence of the pose the teacher yelled out “Michael. Relax your face!”
Uuuuuugh!
Her words pulsated through my body and echoed through the room.  Michael… Relax… Your… Face…

And so I slowly did… and when I did my core being seemed to react, to loosen, to relish a moment,  and my muscles stopped screaming.  For a brief moment I experienced a true yoga moment. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
And then the teacher told us to change position. Damn.
What pose?
Tick… tick… tick

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Kidney Stone Jewelry

Lately I’ve been hearing from friends and relatives and total strangers about their adventures with kidney stones. Yes, those solid crystal buildups in the kidneys caused by dietary minerals in the urine have been the hot topic of conversation replacing anything about Kanye and Kim or Miley and her snake-like tongue. 
So pretty!
Are kidney stones the new trend? I think so, which makes me think of what could be creatively made with kidney stones.... are you ready?... kidney stone jewelry!

I plan on taking this brilliant idea on TV’s Shark Tank and having the sharks fight to invest in this wonderful business opportunity. With their multi-million dollar investments I envision going to third world countries to harvest kidney stones.

The jewelry possibilities are endless.

Why not wear something pretty that was made from something that was forced painfully through someone’s urethra?  It’s natural. It’s minerals. It’s organic!

String together a collection of kidney stones to make a handsome necklace that will certainly accentuate anyone’s bosom or rest happily against a manly hairy chest?

A cluster of kidney stones will make a beautiful broach or belt buckle.

Organic!
Excuse me, but where did you get such a unique and beautiful thing?

Oh thank you! It’s a one-of-a-kind created especially for me with fresh water kidney stones. They’re human!


The tinier stones are perfect for pinky rings, earrings, nipple rings, and cock rings. No body part should be denied being adorned in kidney stone jewelry.

In years to come I anticipate kidney stones surpassing diamonds as the stone of choice for engagement rings.

Years ago I had a bout with kidney stones, and as I wretched in pain to pass them they broke into multi-sized crystals.  They formed a nice pile in the toilet bowl shining like gems in the clear toilet water.  Unfortunately I didn’t have the foresight to scoop them up and save them.  I foolishly flushed them down.

They would have made a beautiful remembrance ring, a keepsake I could pass from generation to generation as a treasured family heirloom.