Saturday, January 16, 2016

Drunken Jerk Sues Uber Driver

I love reading about jerks who get caught misbehaving who then apologize profusely with tears running their puffy little cheeks, insisting it wasn’t their fault. It was the liquor that made them do it.

Benjamin Golden is one of those jerks. 

You’re probably wondering who he is and why he’s such a jerk. 

Back in October of 2015 Benjamin Golden was rip-roaring drunk and attacked his Uber driver when the driver ended the ride because Golden was too drunk to give him an address . The driver caught the whole attack on his dashboard camera, called the police, and the drunk Golden was arrested.  

When the video was posted on the Internet it garnered thousands upon thousands of views, and Golden’s employer, Taco Bell, promptly fired him as their Mobile Experience & Innovation Lead. "Given the behavior of the individual, it is clear he can no longer work for us.” (Yeah Taco Bell!)

In an interview Golden said he was sincerely sorry. "I'm ashamed to say I got to that point. I don't normally do that and this is a situation where I did.  I handled it wrong in a wrong way. I crossed the line. It was caught on camera. I have to face it.”

Boo hoo! The only reason he apologized was because he got caught.

You’d think the story would end there. Golden would put on his big boy pants and face his punishment and move on. Instead, Golden has filed a $5 million suit against the Uber driver. 

Why? He claims the Uber driver illegally recorded him, and because it was shown on the Internet, he further claims he’s suffered emotional distress and anxiety. 

Is this guy for real? What about the emotional distress he caused the Uber driver, and the anxiety all Uber drivers feel when someone like Benjamin Golden gets into their car?

A child needs to be punished like a child… Golden needs a “time out” in jail to think about what he’s done, and then ordered to write five million times:

My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk.
My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk. 
My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk.

My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk.
My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk.
My name is Benjamin Golden and I am a jerk. 

Anyone wanna join me for a taco or two at Taco Bell?

I’ll meet you there. 

I’m taking an Uber. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Curious Incident of the Beatch in the Laundry Room

I try to believe good deeds beget other good deeds making everyone grateful and happy and peaceful, but sadly, that is not what I experienced the other day in my building’s laundry room. 

It’s the case of the curious incident of the beatch in the laundry room… or for those not hip in the way of current slang, the case of the curious incident of the bitch in the laundry room. 

Being down to my last pair of boxer briefs I decided I needed to do my laundry. Normally I send it out but because I was home for the afternoon I decided to do my own loads. 

I piled my dirty clothes into my laundry basket, grabbed a stack of quarters and the jug of Tide, and headed downstairs. 

In the laundry room, I noticed one of the two dryers was in use. I figured it would be done by the time my clothes finished their final rinse cycle.

The excitement for clean boxer briefs and clean shirts and clean jeans and clean towels was making me tingle all over. 

Thirty minutes later I returned to put my clothes in the dryers. Sure enough, the dryer that was in use was done but the person who owned the clothes hadn’t empty the dryer. I decided to be neighborly and do the right thing and empty the dryer and fold the clothes.

There were three pairs of pants and four sweaters.  I folded them nicely and placed them on the counter.  I recognized the sweater and knew the person who owned it, a woman I’ve only exchanged pleasantries in the past.

I then proceeded to load both dryers, add my quarters, and press start. 

About forty-five minutes later I returned to empty my dryers. I immediately noticed she had gotten her clothes. I wondered if she wondered who the person was who so kindly folded her clothes for her. (Me!)

Then I noticed… One of the dryers was still running whereas the other dryer, the one she used, was not on. I still had ten minutes per dryer. I opened the dryer door and put my hand in to feel the clothes. They were cold and wet.  WTF?

I am not a conspiracy theorist but I theorized she was pissed I emptied her dryer and decided to seek revenge. She turned off the dryer! How childish! That beatch!

I took the high road and decided not confront her. What good would it do? I put another dollar in the machine. 

Later that night I made a voodoo doll…