Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Kim Readies for War

Today I was talking headline World News with a few people when I read the title of a new story that had just appeared on the Internet. The headline was “Kim Readies for War.”  

One of the group, a twenty-something girl, became quite upset and immediately started searching on her phone. I was impressed she was concerned about the world and the potential threat of nuclear weapons.

And then she said, “Oh my God, who is Kim Kardashian fighting with? I’ve got to know.”

You can only imagine what I wanted to say to her… but I can’t type it here… and lucky for her, I didn’t say it…


Thursday, April 20, 2017

A Bag of Sh*t

Sometimes your eyes see something that causes you to blink repeatedly, asking yourself if you really saw what you think you just saw.

That’s exactly what happened to me the other day.

I was looking out my window and saw a man walking his dog. When they were directly in front of my window I saw the medium-sized dog squat for a bowel movement.

I kept watching because I wanted to know if the owner had any intention of picking the dog poop up and throwing it in the nearby trash barrel. 

Luckily for other walkers, once the dog was done, the owner did indeed reach into his pocket and pull out a small blue plastic bag. He inserted his hand into the bag, bent over, and picked up the dog poop.

Yeah. This man is a good dog owner. He picks up the shit so other don’t step in it.

Then the strangest thing happened….

Instead of going to the nearby trash barrel to throw the bag of dog shit out, he folded the bag and put it in his jacket pocket. His designer-looking high-end (i.e.: expensive looking) jacket pocket!

I blinked and blinked again. Did he just put a bag of dog shit into his jacket pocket?

He sure did.

Is that the same pocket he puts his little box of Tic Tacs or his pack of chewing gum or tissues he uses to blow his nose or his keys or his wallet or… well, just imagine what you put in your pocket and if you’d want to put those items in a pocket where you store bags of shit.

What happens if the bag breaks… or leaks?  Ugh!

Pity the poor pickpocket who pickpockets his pocket. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Marching... Marching... Marching...

The streets were alive with protesters on April 15th demanding (President) Donald Trump release his tax returns to the American public.

I was there, in Los Angeles, and these are photos I took:

Chicken Trump. 

If I have to pay. Trump has toupee. 

Release your taxes, Chicken! 

Resist. Impeach.

Are Russian prostitutes deductible? 

Will Donald Trump release his tax returns? He should, but he's defiant (and a liar) and he won't. 

We all know he's hiding something... 

Monday, March 27, 2017

My New Toilet

The other day my landlord told me he would be replacing my leaky toilet with a new one. I was thrilled to be getting a new porcelain bowl but saddened to say goodbye to the toilet that has served me well over the past decade.

To honor my old toilet, I cleaned it thoroughly with environmentally safe cleaner and gave it one last thorough flush. I watched the water twirl and swirl and descend into the pipe. Goodbye toilet I whispered softly.

It was emotional…

Was that a tear or did some of the toilet bowl cleaner splash in my eye? I dabbed my eyes with toilet paper. It seemed more appropriate than a tissue.

And then I left for the day knowing that upon my return there would be a new toilet waiting to meet me.

All day I anticipated my return home… and then the time came for me to go home.

Without taking my jacket off, I bee-lined into the bathroom to see my new toilet in its shiny new glory. And shiny and white it is!

I must confess I was nervous meeting my new toilet. 

I stepped back to admire it, looking from above and from side to side and from every angle on my knees. It was impressive.

I whispered, “Hello new toilet. I look forward to good times with you.”

The new toilet is taller than the old toilet. It has a more oval-shaped seat whereas the old toilet had a more rounded seat.

I touched my new toilet feeling the contour of its back and the artistic shape of the bowl. My hands slipped easily over the porcelain.  And the seat, well, that’s something to behold. It’s white and has just enough texture to perfectly hug and hold any hiny.

I giggled gleefully as I flushed it for the first time. It has just enough power to empty the bowl without making a splash. I dare say it has a perfect flush.


I love my new toilet.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

An Email Offer from Maria Sarah

Email is a great tool to make our lives easier and more connected. It allows wonderful communication with friends and colleagues. It also allows total strangers to find us and entice us with job offers.

All we need to do to partake in their offer is reply with all our pertinent information. And once the pertinent information is received, they set up a special assignment for us that will have us earning $375 US per assignment.

Nearly every day I receive an email from Maria Sarah about an assignment she has for me with a very big research project in the USA. She wants me to send her my name (first and last name), address, country, state, city, zip, (in that order!), phone numbers (cell and home), age, and current job.

The email address to send this information is:

Now that’s an interesting email address… where she works must be way ahead in technology to have such a fancy and futuristic email address. Does it live in the cloud or does it live about the cloud in a super cloud for super offers?

So, who is Maria Sarah and how did she choose me to earn $375 US on a research project? And why did she send me her email at 2:39 AM? Where can she possibly be? 2:39 AM sounds like an odd time to be sending business emails, so I am assuming she lives in a dark and scary place far, far away… where her true-identity cannot be traced by the authorities.

What kind of idiot does Maria Sarah think I am, or anyone else she sends daily emails? Her emails reek of “scam” and yet, she continues sending them. Of course, we all know Maria Sarah’s offer is as bogus as her name, right?

I shudder to think there are people out there who look at her horribly written grammatically incorrect emails and think it’s a legitimate offer to earn real cash, and willingly send her their pertinent information.

She ends the email with “We are waiting for your good response.”

I have no intention of sending Maria Sarah a good response, or any response at all, but if I were to send a response it would be a bad, bad, bad response telling her what she could do with her offer.

Instead, I send her emails where they belong.

The trash.