I love the idea of yoga. I just hate going to yoga class.
It’s not the practice of yoga I hate. It’s not the meaning
of yoga I hate. It’s not the various yoga positions I hate.
It’s a lot of the people who take yoga I hate. It’s their
uppity “I take yoga therefore I am superior” attitude that ruins it for me. I
know not everyone who practices yoga is like that, but my yoga experiences proved
otherwise.
First there was Bikram Yoga. Anyone who knows me knows I
love the heat, so Bikram seemed a perfect match.
When I arrived at my first class, the previous class had
just ended, and we had to wait for the room to be cleaned. Cleaning was simply
a few people haphazardly pushing mops across the sweat-soaked steam-soaked
floor swamping the moisture with the sweat.
While rolling out my mat I was slip-sliding on the wet floor.
It grossed me out. All I could think of was the germ filled slimy sweat sticking
to my feet and mat. By the time the class was over, I couldn’t wait to slip and
slide out of there.
The others in the class were like a cult praising and loving
the Bikram experience, and being quite vocal about it. I was half expecting David
Koresh to emerge from the swamp of sweat.
Bikram yoga was not for me, so I decided to try non-hot
yoga.
The first few classes were okay, but the people in class were
not friendly. Any initiation of conversation before class or after class was
met with standoffish attitude, and some were downright rude. They were not
welcoming a newbie into their class (cult?).
One of the poses was a handstand against the wall. Because of
my semi-fat ass, I had difficulty flipping it in the air.
The woman beside me was quite limber and easily swung her ass
and legs into position. She encouraged me like she was encouraging her dog to
take a dump before they got caught in the rain. I tried to make light of it,
but every class there she’d be standing on her head encouraging me. I wanted to
knock her over (but I didn’t).
Maybe it’s the yoga studios I’ve chosen that are not the
right match for me.
Maybe I’m not the yoga type and should find another form of
stretching and ohm-ing to relax and connect to my inner self.
Maybe I should try goat yoga instead. I’ve never met an
uppity goat, have you?
Or maybe I should invest in marijuana and smoke a joint to relax.
Huge inhale… hold it… hold it… exhale…
Ohm….
Yeah. That’s it…
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