Friday, August 22, 2008

The Fountain of Youth

I always thought the Fountain of Youth was a spring and if you drank from it you would have eternal youth. I remember reading that the spring is supposedly in Florida, though it has never been found.

Maybe that’s why Florida has become the old folks capital of the United States. People retire, move to Florida, and spend their days playing cards in their air-conditioned homes and roaming the streets at night searching for the elusive fountain.

Here’s The Fountain of Youth by Lucas Cranach the Elder:

If there’s no Fountain of Youth then what is it that makes people live long lives?

According to Ernest Borgnine it’s not a shot of whiskey a day, eating healthy, good genes, Botox, a secret Chinese herb, or staying physically fit. For 91 year old Ernest it’s sex-with-self. “I masturbate a lot!”

Ernest loves to slap the monkey. How many times a day I wonder? Does he need viagra to get it started? Does he do it while watching his old television shows and movies? Bless his heart, he’s discovered his own little fountain... of youth.

But he’s not the only elder who sings the praises of self-satisfaction. 

Remember Gloria Stuart from “Titanic”? In her post “Titanic” autobiography she also praised the joys of the one-handed (maybe in her case two-handed) midnight marathon saying, “I am devoted to masturbation.” The old gal is 98 years old and still breathing, so there must be something to it.

Can it be that going to the gym five times a week in order to stay young and fit can actually be replaced by a daily wank? Maybe it’s something we should all try.

Wouldn’t if be funny if for every wank you add another three minutes to your life...

If that were true then there would be a lot - and I mean A LOT - of people living well past one-hundred.

One thing I know for sure, if I ever meet Ernest Borgnine or Gloria Stuart I know not to shake their hands.

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