Monday, February 23, 2015

Wooden Sign On A Pole

I was walking in my neighborhood the other day totally engrossed in checking my email when I almost walked right into a street pole.  It came upon me so fast I sort of yelped with a high pitched “whoah!” realizing I stopped mere milliseconds from having a dangerous confrontation with a pole. 

I immediately said a little prayer to the eyeglass God of Prada grateful my glasses and face didn’t get terribly bruised and/or broken. And then I noticed it… a wooden sign was right before my eyes. 

Was this a sign from the Divine Universe for me to stand there and think about someone I love?  I believed it was, and so I did. 

For many minutes I stood there and thought of people I love. 

Some of the people I thought about are dead, but certainly not forgotten. 

Some of the people I thought about are alive, and certainly need a phone call. Not a text. Not an email. A phone call. 

Did it take a wooden sign on a pole to almost knock me physically senseless to awaken my love-sense?

I think so and I’m glad it happened. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Big Basil Idea

I murdered my basil plant. I don’t know how I did it, but I’m guilty.  

The saga of the basil plant began a month ago as I was entering Trader Joe’s. I noticed basil plants for sale. I admired their deep green leaves.  I inhaled deeply and was hooked on their beautiful basil scent. 

I immediately fantasized homemade pesto hugging pasta and caressing my tongue and igniting my senses.  It was a perfect aah moment.  

Delirious with basil desire I immediately placed a basil plant in my cart. 

Up and down the aisles I went buying food that would be best served with the addition of basil, the very same basil I would harvest from my own basil plant. 

I tend to think big and my thoughts of basil were no exception. By the time I got home I decided I would grow lots and lots of basil in my apartment and make lots and lots of pesto and give all my friends personally prepared pesto for birthday and holiday gifts. 

Just one thing… I didn’t know anything about raising basil. 

The first few days I plucked basil leaves with sheer abandon and enjoyed a daily dose of basil. Each meal was complimented with a bit of basil whether it was cooked with the food, added fresh to a salad, or laid lovingly over sliced tomatoes, mozzarella and extra virgin olive oil.

Almost immediately I began to notice the leaves turning a lighter green. The scent and flavor weren’t as robust.  The leaves hung somewhat limp and looked ready to fall from the stem.  The few new leaves were small and refused to grow properly. 

Was it too much watering? Not enough watering? Too much sunlight? Too little sunlight? Was I not giving my plant enough love? 

Or did my basil plant just hate me and decide it was better to die than to be in my life? 

It might be that I was suffering from too much basil consumption and ate more than my plant could provide, and because of my greedy behavior the little basil plant’s heart just gave out. 

And so today I have declared my big basil idea kaput. No perfect pesto gifts from my homegrown basil for birthdays or holidays. 

I’m certain there’ll be another big idea soon. 

And I feel one coming… and I think its gonna be big…  knitting… long beautiful bright red scarves… and scarves make beautiful birthday and holiday gifts…  

I’m certain I can find a few how-to-knit video lessons on You Tube.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Word for 2015 is...

I have decided after much inner thought, people observation, and four glasses of red wine that the word for 2015 is going to be… BIG.

Why stay small when you can go BIG? 

BIG love.

BIG laughs.

BIG smiles.

BIG times. 

BIG hearts. 

BIG noise.

BIG truths. 

But definitely NOT big waste… and absolutely NOT big waist. 


If you’re struggling with how to make your dreams come true just focus on the BIG Picture and I guarantee suddenly the avenues to get there will be paved with gold and at the end you’ll find BIG success.  

There are many ways to make your life BIG.  You can start by watching the movies Big and Big Fish, and then listen to and sing along with Fleetwood Mac’s Big Love, Billy Joel’s Big Shot, Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi, and Bette Midler’s Big Noise From Winnetka. You’ll be singing with a BIG voice before the second chorus. 

And to ensure BIG personal confidence all you ladies and fellas look at your naked selves in the mirror and say out loud and proud I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! 

It’s the mantra for the New Year!  

I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! Ooh yeah, BIG SEXY PARTS!  (repeat until you believe it)

Be sure to check out my new self-published self-help book called I Went From Big to Bigger to Biggest: A Personal Pursuit of Big.  It’s been endorsed by Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz, Dr. Kildare, Dr. Who, Dr. Quinn, and Oprah. 

So what are you waiting for?  Start now and keep it BIG in 2015! 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

A Christmas Letter From The Wellingtons

Dear Family and Friends,

Life in the Wellington house has been simply fabulous this year.  Me and Big John and our two beautiful children, Missy and Jack, are so grateful to God and our Credit Cards! 

Missy had her braces removed in August just in time for the start of her senior year of high school. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. She has suddenly become quite popular with all the boys, especially the football team. Those braces were well worth the price. A perfect smile is a gateway to popularity! 

Young Jack has emerged from those awkward shy preteen years without severe acne. Thank goodness for that!  There’s no need for ProActiv in this house.  I just wish there was ProActiv when I was in my teens. Oops, is that TMI… too much information? 

Jack’s turning into quite the young man. He spends hours in the bathroom every day.  He showers before school, after school, and before bed. So clean!  And in between showers he’s always locked in his bedroom studying.  I’m so happy we’re living in an era with an Internet full of great knowledge for young teen boys. I foresee straight As on his next report card!

Big John’s altruistic nature is to be admired.  He’s spent all year helping his new assistant Sheena move up the corporate ladder. She’s such a lovely young lady, and beautiful too. Those many late nights working overtime have certainly helped. Last week she got promoted to sales rep, and will be joining Big John on all his business trips. All I can say is, “Keep it up, Big John!” He’s such an inspiration!

As for me, Susie, well, I’ve decided to start a business with my good friend Madge. We were college roommates many years ago.  She’s now a retired golf pro. Our company is called Golf Girls, and it’s focus is promoting young women golfers.  Our motto is Let’s Tee Off Together!  It’s so good to have Madge so close to me again. 

As a special treat all the Wellingtons got FitBits this year.  We have a friendly family daily competition to see who can walk the most steps. I don’t want to brag but my early morning power walks are keeping me the winner. Madge keeps telling me my tushie is looking cushie! 

On Christmas Day we're hosting our annual holiday celebration.  Everyone’s invited so come join the fun, but don’t come too late or you’ll miss Big John. He’s leaving in the early evening for a business trip that just can’t wait. 

Happy Holidays! 

Peace and love and fa-la-la-la-la!!!

The Wellingtons… Susie, Big John, Missy, and Jack

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Humpty Dumpty Fell

She was a pleasant enough woman on first meeting. Her appearance was that of a Humpty Dumpty; round stout body with short arms that flapped without any direction, looking older than her actual years. 

The rumor was in dog years she was about 8 or 9. 

She talked the talk and never missed a beat. Smooth. Like satin.  

But that first impression had a slight crack in it. Something was amiss. Something not good. 

She sat perched against the wall in her office with her computer inches from her face.  

She typed all day.  Her stubby little fingers banged the keyboard loudly echoing in her bare, cold, unadorned, unfriendly office. 

Grunts. Guttural grunts. Not the least bit lady-like. 

Those near her said she farted often. 

So frugal and cheap she would re-use tissues over and over again.

Late one night her gall bladder decided to fight her. Hard angry gallstones. It caused her lots of pain she couldn’t release so she took it out on everyone around her. 

That slight crack traveled all around her Humpty Dumpty shell. Seeping through the crack was her one true self…

Mean. Angry. Hateful.

One sunny afternoon a fire engine siren was piercing the air.  She stepped down from her perch and stood in the window to watch it race by.  She loved the possibility of other people’s misery.

Then something happened…

The hateful Humpty Dumpty lady fell out the window. Was she pushed? Was she shoved? 

No one’s talking. 

She hit the sidewalk with a thud.  Scattered pieces everywhere.  

Passersby stepped over her broken-ness. 

We had a choice. We could pick her up and put her back together or…  
Then someone remembered the next day was street cleaning day.  

We decided to let the street sweeping truck do it. 

Sunday, December 07, 2014

The Woman in Apartment 6

I don’t socialize with neighbors. I believe in being friendly. If I see them around the building I say hello and sometimes follow it with short friendly chit-chat.

When I moved into my apartment I smiled to everyone, and I still do. Hello. Beautiful day!  How’s it going?  Everyone responds in kind. Well, almost everyone… 

One day shortly after I moved in I went to the mailbox. There was a woman, 40s, well-groomed, getting her mail. 

I said hello.  

She didn’t look at me or respond. 

I thought she didn’t hear me.  I said hello again, but this time a little louder.  

She didn’t look at me or respond.  

I thought she might be deaf so I waved my hand to get her attention. I smiled and said hello being sure to move my lips so she could read what I was saying. 

She didn’t look at me or respond.  Not a word. Not a grunt. Not a smile. 

I thought her behavior rude. 

A week later I happened to come out of my apartment to check my mail when I noticed her carrying grocery bags from the lobby into her apartment one bag at a time.  She went inside with one bag and left the others in the lobby.  I decided to see if she would speak when she came for the other bags.  I even thought I’d offer to help. 

I pretended to read my mail.  I waited and I waited and she never came out. If there was frozen food in any of the bags it would have melted.  As soon as I went back into my apartment I peeked out the door and there she was racing down the hall to get her groceries. 

She’s been living in the building over 20 years and she’s never been friendly to any of the neighbors. No one in the building knows her name. They all have similar stories of her lack of friendliness. 

She lives alone with her cat. Occasionally there’s a guy or two but they never last long. I’m sure they get offended by her unfriendliness. 

Just yesterday I was walking by her door as she was coming out. Our bodies almost touched as we passed each other.  I smiled to say hello but there was no eye contact. 

No word. No grunt. No smile. 

So sad. 

She’s the mean ‘ole bitch in Apartment 6. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Unhappy Toaster

There is nothing worse than having an unhappy kitchen appliance. 

Mine is my toaster.  And it’s my fault it’s unhappy. 

All my other kitchen appliances seem quite content with me these days. The blender. The Cuisinart. The coffee maker. The whole bean coffee grinder. 

I will admit I do have issues with my microwave. Every time I turn it on I feel a strange tingling down below, in my testicles. I’ve tried ignoring it but I just can’t. That tingling doesn’t tickle the testes the way I like my testes tickled. It’s somewhat alarming. 

I don’t want to alienate my microwave altogether so I use its timer as much as possible. Sometimes I set the timer without any specific reason. I think it’s very important to practice good appliance ownership, not showing favoritism to the appliances that bring the most joy, but loving them equally.

The other day I decided for lunch I wanted a Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn. With other brands of veggie burgers I toss them in the toaster and when they pop up I put them between slices of bread and have a mmm mmm good sandwich. 

For the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn the toaster did cook it but in the process the burger crumbled. 

There was a faint odor of something burning, and when I looked inside the toaster I saw pieces of burger had fallen to the bottom of the toaster and other pieces had clung to the heating coils.

I had to lay the toaster on its side and slowly guide as many pieces out as I could. My poor toaster was choking on the pieces and couldn’t regurgitate all of it. Some pieces were too charred to be saved.

Dear Toaster… I could blame the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn for being limp and weak and not as strong as a Boca Burger, but I won’t. I should have know better, and for that I am very sorry.

Tomorrow I promise to have tuna fish for lunch.