Saturday, April 18, 2015

My Bologna Has a First Name…

It was French Class during my senior year of High School.  Spring had sprung and prom and graduation were coming soon. 

My acne was clearing up nicely thanks to the huge doses of prescription tetracycline and bimonthly visits to my dermatologist whose name was ironically Dr. Hamburger.  (Yes, it’s true!)

Oh, such an exciting time is a teenager’s world. 

My French teacher decided it would be a wonderful idea for the Seniors to perform popular commercials in French at the Junior High School’s upcoming Spring Assembly.

Everyone formed groups and chose a commercial to translate and perform. I teamed up with Marianne and Susan to sing the Oscar Mayer song. The popular commercial was a little boy sitting on an edge of a dock with a fishing pole singing the joys of bologna. 

In our little version I would be the boy with the fishing pole and Marianne and Susan would sit on either side of me with their own fishing poles. We would be the Bologna Trio! 

If you forgot the original commercial with the overly cute little boy here it is:

Assembly Day arrived and Marianne and Susan and I took to the stage. We began to sing: 

Ma mortadelle a une premiere nom
C’est O-S-C-A-R
Ma mortadelle a une seconde nom
C’est M-A-Y-E-R

It was at this point I made the fatal mistake of looking left to Marianne.  When I did we both realized how silly we must look and how silly we must sound and we laughed ourselves silly. We tried to continue singing… 

J’aime le manger tous les jours
et si tu demande pourquoi je dirais

And then it happened. We lost all control and fell over each other in loud silly laughter. Poor Susan soldiered on and finished the final line of the song. 

Oscar Meyer a une facon avec M-O-R-T-A-D-E-L-L-E

Sadly no one heard her sing. Marianne and I were laughing way too loud, as was the audience. 

Our French teacher wasn’t pleased, but we didn’t care, we were graduating soon. 

And that is my fondest memory of French Class Senior Year. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Pucker Up or Bloom


Two Lips.

Both are red.  

Both are Beautiful.

If you had to choose one which one would it be? 

Monday, April 06, 2015

Helen Reddy Was Right: God Is A Woman

Back in the early 70s the great Helen Reddy rose to the top of the Pop Charts with her worldwide anthem “I Am Woman.”  The poignant lyrics gave woman a powerful voice at a time when it was most needed. 

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

When Reddy accepted her much deserved Grammy for Best Rock/Pop Vocal Performance Female she ended her acceptance speech with, “I want to thank God because She makes everything possible.” 

It was a pivotal moment in Pop Music and Pop Culture, and her statement was the water cooler conversation the following day.  In the back of everyone’s mind was the question: Could God really be a woman? 

Forty years later that probing question appears to be answered, and the answer comes from a Man of the Cloth, a Catholic Priest from Massachusetts who was dead for 48 minutes before being revived by paramedics, and he’s not afraid to say who he met while dead. 

Seventy-one year old Father John Michael O’Neal claims he went to Heaven and met God, whom he describes as a warm and comforting motherly figure.  Yes, a motherly figure.  It was a major heart attack that took him on his near death experience and I am thrilled he was revived (sent back to earth by God) to lay the God-gender question to rest once and for all. 

Now I know you naysayers might be thinking that God dressed in drag for some heavenly humor to give the newly dead priest a chuckle…  or that Father O’Neal’s near-death interrupted the weekly Heavenly Drag Show where the dead dress as living earthly divas… but you know and I know what Father O’Neal saw was the real thing. As a Catholic I was taught that Priests never lie which means Father O’Neal speaks truth when he says God is a Woman. 

So sing out Helen Reddy!  You ARE Woman, and God IS a Woman, and now all we need is a Woman President… 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Wooden Sign On A Pole

I was walking in my neighborhood the other day totally engrossed in checking my email when I almost walked right into a street pole.  It came upon me so fast I sort of yelped with a high pitched “whoah!” realizing I stopped mere milliseconds from having a dangerous confrontation with a pole. 

I immediately said a little prayer to the eyeglass God of Prada grateful my glasses and face didn’t get terribly bruised and/or broken. And then I noticed it… a wooden sign was right before my eyes. 

Was this a sign from the Divine Universe for me to stand there and think about someone I love?  I believed it was, and so I did. 

For many minutes I stood there and thought of people I love. 

Some of the people I thought about are dead, but certainly not forgotten. 

Some of the people I thought about are alive, and certainly need a phone call. Not a text. Not an email. A phone call. 

Did it take a wooden sign on a pole to almost knock me physically senseless to awaken my love-sense?

I think so and I’m glad it happened. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Big Basil Idea

I murdered my basil plant. I don’t know how I did it, but I’m guilty.  

The saga of the basil plant began a month ago as I was entering Trader Joe’s. I noticed basil plants for sale. I admired their deep green leaves.  I inhaled deeply and was hooked on their beautiful basil scent. 

I immediately fantasized homemade pesto hugging pasta and caressing my tongue and igniting my senses.  It was a perfect aah moment.  

Delirious with basil desire I immediately placed a basil plant in my cart. 

Up and down the aisles I went buying food that would be best served with the addition of basil, the very same basil I would harvest from my own basil plant. 

I tend to think big and my thoughts of basil were no exception. By the time I got home I decided I would grow lots and lots of basil in my apartment and make lots and lots of pesto and give all my friends personally prepared pesto for birthday and holiday gifts. 

Just one thing… I didn’t know anything about raising basil. 

The first few days I plucked basil leaves with sheer abandon and enjoyed a daily dose of basil. Each meal was complimented with a bit of basil whether it was cooked with the food, added fresh to a salad, or laid lovingly over sliced tomatoes, mozzarella and extra virgin olive oil.

Almost immediately I began to notice the leaves turning a lighter green. The scent and flavor weren’t as robust.  The leaves hung somewhat limp and looked ready to fall from the stem.  The few new leaves were small and refused to grow properly. 

Was it too much watering? Not enough watering? Too much sunlight? Too little sunlight? Was I not giving my plant enough love? 

Or did my basil plant just hate me and decide it was better to die than to be in my life? 

It might be that I was suffering from too much basil consumption and ate more than my plant could provide, and because of my greedy behavior the little basil plant’s heart just gave out. 

And so today I have declared my big basil idea kaput. No perfect pesto gifts from my homegrown basil for birthdays or holidays. 

I’m certain there’ll be another big idea soon. 

And I feel one coming… and I think its gonna be big…  knitting… long beautiful bright red scarves… and scarves make beautiful birthday and holiday gifts…  

I’m certain I can find a few how-to-knit video lessons on You Tube.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Word for 2015 is...

I have decided after much inner thought, people observation, and four glasses of red wine that the word for 2015 is going to be… BIG.

Why stay small when you can go BIG? 

BIG love.

BIG laughs.

BIG smiles.

BIG times. 

BIG hearts. 

BIG noise.

BIG truths. 

But definitely NOT big waste… and absolutely NOT big waist. 


If you’re struggling with how to make your dreams come true just focus on the BIG Picture and I guarantee suddenly the avenues to get there will be paved with gold and at the end you’ll find BIG success.  

There are many ways to make your life BIG.  You can start by watching the movies Big and Big Fish, and then listen to and sing along with Fleetwood Mac’s Big Love, Billy Joel’s Big Shot, Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi, and Bette Midler’s Big Noise From Winnetka. You’ll be singing with a BIG voice before the second chorus. 

And to ensure BIG personal confidence all you ladies and fellas look at your naked selves in the mirror and say out loud and proud I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! 

It’s the mantra for the New Year!  

I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! Ooh yeah, BIG SEXY PARTS!  (repeat until you believe it)

Be sure to check out my new self-published self-help book called I Went From Big to Bigger to Biggest: A Personal Pursuit of Big.  It’s been endorsed by Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz, Dr. Kildare, Dr. Who, Dr. Quinn, and Oprah. 

So what are you waiting for?  Start now and keep it BIG in 2015! 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

A Christmas Letter From The Wellingtons

Dear Family and Friends,

Life in the Wellington house has been simply fabulous this year.  Me and Big John and our two beautiful children, Missy and Jack, are so grateful to God and our Credit Cards! 

Missy had her braces removed in August just in time for the start of her senior year of high school. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. She has suddenly become quite popular with all the boys, especially the football team. Those braces were well worth the price. A perfect smile is a gateway to popularity! 

Young Jack has emerged from those awkward shy preteen years without severe acne. Thank goodness for that!  There’s no need for ProActiv in this house.  I just wish there was ProActiv when I was in my teens. Oops, is that TMI… too much information? 

Jack’s turning into quite the young man. He spends hours in the bathroom every day.  He showers before school, after school, and before bed. So clean!  And in between showers he’s always locked in his bedroom studying.  I’m so happy we’re living in an era with an Internet full of great knowledge for young teen boys. I foresee straight As on his next report card!

Big John’s altruistic nature is to be admired.  He’s spent all year helping his new assistant Sheena move up the corporate ladder. She’s such a lovely young lady, and beautiful too. Those many late nights working overtime have certainly helped. Last week she got promoted to sales rep, and will be joining Big John on all his business trips. All I can say is, “Keep it up, Big John!” He’s such an inspiration!

As for me, Susie, well, I’ve decided to start a business with my good friend Madge. We were college roommates many years ago.  She’s now a retired golf pro. Our company is called Golf Girls, and it’s focus is promoting young women golfers.  Our motto is Let’s Tee Off Together!  It’s so good to have Madge so close to me again. 

As a special treat all the Wellingtons got FitBits this year.  We have a friendly family daily competition to see who can walk the most steps. I don’t want to brag but my early morning power walks are keeping me the winner. Madge keeps telling me my tushie is looking cushie! 

On Christmas Day we're hosting our annual holiday celebration.  Everyone’s invited so come join the fun, but don’t come too late or you’ll miss Big John. He’s leaving in the early evening for a business trip that just can’t wait. 

Happy Holidays! 

Peace and love and fa-la-la-la-la!!!

The Wellingtons… Susie, Big John, Missy, and Jack