Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Word for 2015 is...

I have decided after much inner thought, people observation, and four glasses of red wine that the word for 2015 is going to be… BIG.

Why stay small when you can go BIG? 

BIG love.

BIG laughs.

BIG smiles.

BIG times. 

BIG hearts. 

BIG noise.

BIG truths. 

But definitely NOT big waste… and absolutely NOT big waist. 

THINK BIG! 

If you’re struggling with how to make your dreams come true just focus on the BIG Picture and I guarantee suddenly the avenues to get there will be paved with gold and at the end you’ll find BIG success.  

There are many ways to make your life BIG.  You can start by watching the movies Big and Big Fish, and then listen to and sing along with Fleetwood Mac’s Big Love, Billy Joel’s Big Shot, Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi, and Bette Midler’s Big Noise From Winnetka. You’ll be singing with a BIG voice before the second chorus. 

And to ensure BIG personal confidence all you ladies and fellas look at your naked selves in the mirror and say out loud and proud I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! 

It’s the mantra for the New Year!  

I HAVE BIG SEXY PARTS! Ooh yeah, BIG SEXY PARTS!  (repeat until you believe it)

Be sure to check out my new self-published self-help book called I Went From Big to Bigger to Biggest: A Personal Pursuit of Big.  It’s been endorsed by Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz, Dr. Kildare, Dr. Who, Dr. Quinn, and Oprah. 

So what are you waiting for?  Start now and keep it BIG in 2015! 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

A Christmas Letter From The Wellingtons

Dear Family and Friends,

Life in the Wellington house has been simply fabulous this year.  Me and Big John and our two beautiful children, Missy and Jack, are so grateful to God and our Credit Cards! 

Missy had her braces removed in August just in time for the start of her senior year of high school. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. She has suddenly become quite popular with all the boys, especially the football team. Those braces were well worth the price. A perfect smile is a gateway to popularity! 

Young Jack has emerged from those awkward shy preteen years without severe acne. Thank goodness for that!  There’s no need for ProActiv in this house.  I just wish there was ProActiv when I was in my teens. Oops, is that TMI… too much information? 

Jack’s turning into quite the young man. He spends hours in the bathroom every day.  He showers before school, after school, and before bed. So clean!  And in between showers he’s always locked in his bedroom studying.  I’m so happy we’re living in an era with an Internet full of great knowledge for young teen boys. I foresee straight As on his next report card!

Big John’s altruistic nature is to be admired.  He’s spent all year helping his new assistant Sheena move up the corporate ladder. She’s such a lovely young lady, and beautiful too. Those many late nights working overtime have certainly helped. Last week she got promoted to sales rep, and will be joining Big John on all his business trips. All I can say is, “Keep it up, Big John!” He’s such an inspiration!

As for me, Susie, well, I’ve decided to start a business with my good friend Madge. We were college roommates many years ago.  She’s now a retired golf pro. Our company is called Golf Girls, and it’s focus is promoting young women golfers.  Our motto is Let’s Tee Off Together!  It’s so good to have Madge so close to me again. 

As a special treat all the Wellingtons got FitBits this year.  We have a friendly family daily competition to see who can walk the most steps. I don’t want to brag but my early morning power walks are keeping me the winner. Madge keeps telling me my tushie is looking cushie! 

On Christmas Day we're hosting our annual holiday celebration.  Everyone’s invited so come join the fun, but don’t come too late or you’ll miss Big John. He’s leaving in the early evening for a business trip that just can’t wait. 

Happy Holidays! 









Peace and love and fa-la-la-la-la!!!

The Wellingtons… Susie, Big John, Missy, and Jack

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Humpty Dumpty Fell

She was a pleasant enough woman on first meeting. Her appearance was that of a Humpty Dumpty; round stout body with short arms that flapped without any direction, looking older than her actual years. 

The rumor was in dog years she was about 8 or 9. 

She talked the talk and never missed a beat. Smooth. Like satin.  

But that first impression had a slight crack in it. Something was amiss. Something not good. 

She sat perched against the wall in her office with her computer inches from her face.  

She typed all day.  Her stubby little fingers banged the keyboard loudly echoing in her bare, cold, unadorned, unfriendly office. 

Grunts. Guttural grunts. Not the least bit lady-like. 

Those near her said she farted often. 

So frugal and cheap she would re-use tissues over and over again.

Late one night her gall bladder decided to fight her. Hard angry gallstones. It caused her lots of pain she couldn’t release so she took it out on everyone around her. 

That slight crack traveled all around her Humpty Dumpty shell. Seeping through the crack was her one true self…


Mean. Angry. Hateful.

One sunny afternoon a fire engine siren was piercing the air.  She stepped down from her perch and stood in the window to watch it race by.  She loved the possibility of other people’s misery.

Then something happened…

The hateful Humpty Dumpty lady fell out the window. Was she pushed? Was she shoved? 

No one’s talking. 

She hit the sidewalk with a thud.  Scattered pieces everywhere.  

Passersby stepped over her broken-ness. 

We had a choice. We could pick her up and put her back together or…  
Then someone remembered the next day was street cleaning day.  

We decided to let the street sweeping truck do it. 

Sunday, December 07, 2014

The Woman in Apartment 6

I don’t socialize with neighbors. I believe in being friendly. If I see them around the building I say hello and sometimes follow it with short friendly chit-chat.

When I moved into my apartment I smiled to everyone, and I still do. Hello. Beautiful day!  How’s it going?  Everyone responds in kind. Well, almost everyone… 

One day shortly after I moved in I went to the mailbox. There was a woman, 40s, well-groomed, getting her mail. 

I said hello.  

She didn’t look at me or respond. 

I thought she didn’t hear me.  I said hello again, but this time a little louder.  

She didn’t look at me or respond.  

I thought she might be deaf so I waved my hand to get her attention. I smiled and said hello being sure to move my lips so she could read what I was saying. 

She didn’t look at me or respond.  Not a word. Not a grunt. Not a smile. 

I thought her behavior rude. 

A week later I happened to come out of my apartment to check my mail when I noticed her carrying grocery bags from the lobby into her apartment one bag at a time.  She went inside with one bag and left the others in the lobby.  I decided to see if she would speak when she came for the other bags.  I even thought I’d offer to help. 

I pretended to read my mail.  I waited and I waited and she never came out. If there was frozen food in any of the bags it would have melted.  As soon as I went back into my apartment I peeked out the door and there she was racing down the hall to get her groceries. 

She’s been living in the building over 20 years and she’s never been friendly to any of the neighbors. No one in the building knows her name. They all have similar stories of her lack of friendliness. 

She lives alone with her cat. Occasionally there’s a guy or two but they never last long. I’m sure they get offended by her unfriendliness. 

Just yesterday I was walking by her door as she was coming out. Our bodies almost touched as we passed each other.  I smiled to say hello but there was no eye contact. 

No word. No grunt. No smile. 

So sad. 

She’s the mean ‘ole bitch in Apartment 6. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Unhappy Toaster

There is nothing worse than having an unhappy kitchen appliance. 

Mine is my toaster.  And it’s my fault it’s unhappy. 

All my other kitchen appliances seem quite content with me these days. The blender. The Cuisinart. The coffee maker. The whole bean coffee grinder. 

I will admit I do have issues with my microwave. Every time I turn it on I feel a strange tingling down below, in my testicles. I’ve tried ignoring it but I just can’t. That tingling doesn’t tickle the testes the way I like my testes tickled. It’s somewhat alarming. 

I don’t want to alienate my microwave altogether so I use its timer as much as possible. Sometimes I set the timer without any specific reason. I think it’s very important to practice good appliance ownership, not showing favoritism to the appliances that bring the most joy, but loving them equally.

The other day I decided for lunch I wanted a Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn. With other brands of veggie burgers I toss them in the toaster and when they pop up I put them between slices of bread and have a mmm mmm good sandwich. 

For the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn the toaster did cook it but in the process the burger crumbled. 

There was a faint odor of something burning, and when I looked inside the toaster I saw pieces of burger had fallen to the bottom of the toaster and other pieces had clung to the heating coils.

I had to lay the toaster on its side and slowly guide as many pieces out as I could. My poor toaster was choking on the pieces and couldn’t regurgitate all of it. Some pieces were too charred to be saved.


Dear Toaster… I could blame the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn for being limp and weak and not as strong as a Boca Burger, but I won’t. I should have know better, and for that I am very sorry.

Tomorrow I promise to have tuna fish for lunch. 

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Tweeting Not Tweaking

I've been tweeting a lot lately. That's T-W-E-E-T-I-N-G not tweaking. There’s a difference. Did you know that?  I didn’t but now I do. 

On Twitter I’m @mc528.  

If you need a little persuasion to follow me and my witticisms-of-life I present to you some of my recent tweets:

I want to write a book and call it "The Secret Sex Lives of My Office Mates." I know many of their #secrets and I'm ready to tell the world.

#LawrenceWelk  reruns on a Saturday night. The gowns, The blow dried hair.  The songs. Total cheese. Total joy. Totally retro.

So many movies. So little time.  So many books. So little time. So many donuts... well... I find the time.

Does anyone remember the #DefrancoFamily 's "Heartbeat It's a Lovebeat"? Listening to it now. I have an urge to get up and gyrate.

I watch what I eat. I exercise. I walk miles.  But when I look in the mirror I frown. I'm guilty of looking at myself thru a jaundiced eye.

Listening to #BobbyVinton 's "Melody of Love."  I suddenly walk to #polka all night long. Care to join me?

It's time for me to find a new hobby.  I'm thinking #Thimble collecting.  They're small and easy to hide when friends come over.

I never saw an episode of #HoneyBooBoo . I'm not interested in being a voyeur to white trash living.

Internet Radio just played a #DonJohnson song called When You Only Loved Me.  Wow... a throwback to a time I'd rather forget.

Pride Greed Envy Anger Lust Gluttony Sloth... Yep, I'm guilty.

Every time I closed my eyes last night I kept seeing dolphins swimming in my sleep.  I woke up craving the ocean. Go figure.

Did #CrystalGayle ever cut her hair, or does it now trail a couple of miles behind her?

In honor of Native American Day I've been listening to #BuffySainteMarie - Pow Wow Rock!

I'm just a simple suburban boy with a dream. A big dream. A really big dream.

@mc528  
Follow me.
I’ll follow you. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Saga of Evelyn and Arnie

Evelyn had the body of a cheerleader when she got married. Everything about her was perky including her perfectly formed cupcake breasts. 

Arnie had tight abs, bodybuilder pecs and big biceps when he got married. He loved wearing a speedo and he wore it well. 

Together Evelyn and Arnie had beautiful nights together. They oohed and aahed in unison until the first signs of dawn. 

Neighbors listened through the walls and were jealous they never oohed and aahed as well as Evelyn and Arnie.  

In the morning Evelyn and Arnie went to work tired. 

As the years wore on Evelyn developed flabby thighs. Her belly was no longer cheerleader tight.  It had a donut appeal. Her perky cupcake breasts sagged and bounced aimlessly if she didn’t wear a bra. 

Arnie fared no better.  His tight abs gave way to a sagging sugar beer belly. A 32 inch waist was long gone. Elastic waist pants replaced the speedo. He needed a man-bra.


At night they slept soundly.

Then one day Evelyn received a gift certificate for being Employee of the Month. When she went to the store to redeem it she couldn’t find anything she wanted. 

As she was leaving the store she noticed a display for the Fitbit, the activity tracker that measures steps taken.  On an unexplained whim she bought two.  

For weeks the Fitbits stayed on the counter between take-out containers of eggplant parmesan and orange bacon chicken. 

One bright sunny Saturday they decided to open the Fitbits.  They gasped at the suggestion of 10,000 steps per day. But since they had them they decided to give them a one week trial. 

One week became two… then three… then four… 

They walked together. They walked alone. In rain. In snow. They walked.  
They walked to the farmers market and bought organic food.  

Evelyn’s thighs got thinner. Her belly less doughy. Her breasts stopped wandering aimlessly without a bra. 

Arnie’s sugar beer belly got less jiggy.  He stopped sporting elastic waist pants.  His man boobs got more manly. He secretly bought a speedo.  

The other night while watching “Modern Family” Arnie looked at Evelyn and she looked at him.  There was a spark, a familiar spark reminiscent of how they used to look at each other.  

Before “Modern Family” was over Arnie turned off the TV and took Evelyn’s hand. He led her upstairs. 

The next morning they went to work tired.

They now easily surpass 10,000 steps each per day, and on the weekends between many oohs and aahs they hit 16,000 steps each. 

For Evelyn and Arnie the Fitbit revitalized their marriage. 

Ooh.  Aah.