Tuesday, October 20, 2009

No Nuts

Not too long ago I had the pleasure of going to the Ahmanson Theatre in Los Angeles to see Estelle Parsons in “August: Osage County,” the Tony Award winning play by Tracy Letts. If you haven’t seen it, you must. She’s brilliant. The play’s beautifully written.

In the lobby of the theatre my friend purchased a small bag of almonds for the outrageous price of $4.00. The teeny tiny bag contained at most twenty almonds. Yes, a rip-off, but when hunger pangs are louder than the Bell of Notre Dame it’s either chocolate bars, marshmallow treats, candy, brownies, or nuts.
If it were me I would have chosen both a brownie and a marshmallow treat and quickly shoved them in my mouth before entering the theatre, but then again, I’m the one with the tendency towards man boobs and my friend is health conscious with a low fat diet regimen and no man boob tendency. (Mother Nature can be cruel.)

So we go into the theatre to await the dimming of the lights and the start of the play...

My friend opens the almonds and eats a few. Suddenly the usher is upon us telling us there are no nuts in the theatre. He said to either go outside to munch or put them away. At the same time two women behind us were loudly opening cellophane wrapped candy and shoving the sugar filled chocolate concoctions into their lipstick mouths. The usher didn’t tell them no candy.

Hmmm... I sensed a little discrimination here. Health food (almonds) vs. unhealthy food (candy). I think the usher had nut issues.

My friend continued to sneak eating the almonds whenever the usher wasn’t looking.

Finally the play started... and all almond eating anxiety quickly disappeared. (Hey, twenty almonds only go so far.)

However, the women behind us continued opening candy throughout the play, with no regard for the irritating noise their wrappers were making or the saliva sloshing sound their lips made smacking the candy between their teeth.

I shushed them a few times, but they were on a sugar high and refused to shush.

At the end of the play as we were leaving I glanced behind me and noticed the candy whores had dropped their empty candy wrappers on the floor for the usher to pick up.

Go figure.

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