Saturday, December 12, 2009

Murder I Thought...

It’s the holiday season and during this time of forced gaiety we try our best to spread good will and good tidings to all. Sometimes it takes a few glasses of spiked eggnog to get us in that holiday mood and sometimes all the spiked eggnog in the world cannot remove the evil thoughts that lurk inside our otherwise sane minds when someone truly pisses us off.

This week I read with disbelief about the 98 year old woman who murdered her 100 year old Nursing Home roommate. The murderer used the plastic bag over the head technique to strangle, suffocate, and end her roommate’s life. Why did she do this? Something about a table at the foot of a bed blocking a direct path to the bathroom.

This got me thinking about some of the things that have really pissed me off... that made me think, momentarily, about inflicting serious and deadly pain. Luckily for the person bothering me that small wee little voice in the far corner of my mind shouted in the nick of time, “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Death is not the answer. You’re too cute for prison!”

Here are some of those situations that could’ve ended badly, but didn’t.

When the girl behind the counter at the coffee cafe chose the smallest scone for me when it was clearly the smallest on the tray.

When the Chinese restaurant sent white rice in my delivery order when I specifically asked for brown rice.

When that D-list bitch actress re-gifted me a gift she received from a goodie bag she got at a fundraising event I produced. (Merry Christmas!)

When my friend was so late picking me up that we missed seeing the previews and got in our seats just as the movie was beginning.

When the security guard at the airport threw out my new tube of toothpaste (cinnamon flavored!) because it was more than the allowed amount.

When the mailman put my mail in my neighbor’s mailbox and my neighbor opened my personal letter and saw the “photograph.”

When that old geezer with the pot belly at the gym didn’t wipe his smelly sweat from the Nautilus machine.

When the fat man in the red suit and white beard shouted the weakest most pathetic high-pitched “Ho, ho, ho.”

All I can say is, “Funny the people you meet when you don’t have a gun.”

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