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Saturday, June 19, 2010

31 Inches

Through the years I’ve grown my facial hair, shaved it off, grown it again, and shaved, shaved, shaved.

First there was the mustache in the early 80s which made me look like I just got off the boat from Italy. My Irish roots went totally underground and my Italian roots took complete control. Bonjourno!

It wasn’t long before I shaved my hairy lip.

After that I sported a goatee for quite a while. I liked it a lot, and so did a lot of people, but it did have its downside. It I were not paying attention when I ate inevitably something would drip, droop, or detach itself from my fork and stick to my chin hairs.

Sadly my chin hairs grew in various colors: medium brown (my real color), golden, dark brown, blonde, and some gray. There’s only so much you can cover up with an eyebrow pencil, and if I had a food mishap I would end up wiping away all the color along with the semi-chewed food. Not a pretty picture.

So yet again I shaved my hairy chin.

I’ve even sported a soul patch a few times, but that always seemed to overstay its welcome and I would resort to a cleanly shaven face.

What I’ve never done is let my mustache grow to enormous proportions so I could have mustache wings.

I recently came across an article about Larry McClure and his totally hip mustache wings. From tip to tip they measure some 31 inches. Wow.

How is he able to get into a crowded elevator without poking someone’s eye out?

If you spin him around like a whirling dervish does he take flight and fly?

How kinky are those mustache wings? Do they tickle his wife in her special places?

Does he ever pull his wings together under his chin and braid them into a chin ponytail?

Do his mustache wings sag when he’s sad, and perk up when he’s aroused?

Does he hang Christmas ornaments on them to be holiday festive?

Oh the possibilities are endless...

I think I’m gonna grow a mustache again.

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