Tuesday, July 27, 2010

MC Pope Benny

The media has been abuzz with photos of Pope Benedict XVI sporting a new urban look while sashaying around his summer residence. It’s daring. It’s so aughties. And with the ostentatious gold cross dangling around his papal neck he looks like he’s ready to break into rhyme.

What provoked this new look?

Well... I have friends at the Vatican who know the skinny on the secrets of the church, and it seems that Pope Benedict is recording a rap album under his new rapper moniker MC Pope Benny. His first CD is being released in October and will feature raps sung in Latin, Polish, English, and Pig Latin.

Songs include “Alter Boys Got the Shizzle,” “Nuns Undone,” “Frisky Father Faithful,” “When Jesus Calls I Come,” “I Am the Pope, Damn It,” “Holy Water Burns,” and a loving tribute to Mother Teresa called “Mother T Got Down.”

Word’s up that after Saturday confessionals the Pope and a group of self-flagellating priests sneak into the Vatican Dance Dungeon to spin the tunes and rehearse for a performance on Saturday Night Live. Leaks from the inner sanctum say that Pope Benny is getting quite good with his dance moves, and can now grab his crotch to the rhythm of the rhyme.

Why Saturday Night Live for his debut?

Well... My Vatican moles have confided that the Pope has been bitching about “that bitch” Betty White’s success and he wants a piece of her fame.

Hopefully we’ll be able to pre-order the CD on the Vatican website soon.

To be frank, I think the baseball cap should be placed backwards on the papal head for his publicity shots. I think it would go better with the Vatican muumuu and the oversized bling.

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