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Saturday, August 21, 2010

Little Swimmers

Over the years I’ve sadly become quite immune to bad behavior, but once in a while I read about someone behaving badly which sends a jolt up my spine and I cannot help but wonder, “What the fuck were they thinking?"

And that was my reaction when I read the story of 31 year old Michael Kevin Lallana of Newport Beach, CA who ejaculated into a water bottle that was on his co-worker’s desk. He didn’t do it once. He did it twice in two different bottles to the same co-worker. Wow, his aim must be like an expert archer. The top of a water bottle is not that big...uhm, did his little willie get stuck or did it fit nicely in the opening or did he have to use a little KY to prevent plastic water bottle burn?

After drinking the sperm tainted water from both bottles the co-worker, a woman, had an aftertaste that lingered (didn’t she ever hear of mouthwash?)... and then she felt sick... and then she decided that the water wasn’t naturally fresh and sent it to a private lab to be tested.

Lallana’s little swimmers were identified via DNA testing and he was promptly arrested.

I’m happy to report she did not become pregnant.

Did Lallana think that because she’d ingested his sperm they were now dating?

Was it an act of hate or an act of lust or an act of unrequited love or is he just a pervert?

Is the crime considered rape?

Maybe water bottle companies will now be forced to have locked caps that only the person drinking has the code to open? It might be expensive, but it’d be sperm-preventive like a condom. Hey, that could be a new industry! Bottle Condoms Caps for the “I leave my open bottles of water all over the place without proper supervision” drinker.

As for Lallana I’m sure there must be websites or fetish clubs he could have joined devoted to people who like gulping sperm flavored water bottles. I’m curious to know what he was thinking as he shot his ejaculate into the bottle. Was he thinking he’s “the man”?

I’ve worked with people whom I’ve never thought that highly of nor have I loathed enough to jerk off in their water bottle. I guess I think too highly of my sperm, my little swimmers, my potential progeny to waste on co-workers. I save them for special occasions.

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