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Thursday, April 07, 2011

Super Glued at the Superstore

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, “Gee, maybe today when I head over to Walmart I’ll get the urge for a bowel movement and when I sit on the toilet seat it’ll be covered in glue and my fat hairy ass will get stuck to it.”

Can you even imagine such a thing happening? Well it did happen on April 1st at the Elkton, Maryland Walmart Superstore.

Some prankster/asshole/toilet seat fetish freak went into the men’s room and doused the toilet seat with glue. And then a 48-year-old man went into the stall, dropped his drawers, and put his ass onto the seat.

“Help. I’m stuck and I can’t get up!”

The paramedics were able to remove the man from the stall, but were unable to free his ass from the toilet seat. So the man was brought to the hospital where the seat was successfully detached leaving his cheeks red and raw.

Okay, I want to know why the man, before he dropped his pants and sat, didn’t look at the toilet and see something sticky/wet/shiny on the seat? Wouldn’t you? I mean, public bathrooms can be pretty disgusting. If he placed the toilet seat protector paper on the seat wouldn’t he have seen the paper absorb the stickiness and know not to sit?

Maybe the poor guy was having severe abdominal cramps and didn’t have time to look. He just rushed into the stall, dropped his pants, sat, farted and grunted and let it all out, and only when it was over did he realize the sticky situation he was in.

What a humiliating experience!

That’s why I never go to Wal-Mart, and I never sit on public toilet seats.

And that’s why I always seem to have a constipated look when I’m in public.

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