Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Hopscotch Jesus

The other night I was wandering Sunset Boulevard and came across a square of sidewalk that said, “Jesus Loves You.”

Jesus loves me? Was this a prank or was Jesus amongst us with chalk in hand scrawling his love message for all the world to see?

I looked ahead and saw another “Jesus Loves You” square... and then another... and another... it was Hopscotch Jesus!

I suddenly had the urge to follow the Jesus squares to find out, to get a glimpse of this Jesus graffiti person. Would he still be bearded or did he finally shave? Would he be sporting a goatee, a mustache, a jazz patch, or no facial hair at all? Would he wearing the traditional Jesus robe of yore or sporting some Abercrombie & Fitch clothing with a backwards baseball cap?

I started to hop from one Jesus square to another. It seemed endless.

While I was hopping a wee little voice in my head kept whispering if I stepped on a crack I’d fall through and go straight to hell, to the flames of eternal heat and damnation. I had visions of horns and pitchforks and Tea Partiers.

I continued hopping.

The wee little voice continued whispering, telling me if I didn’t get to the end of the Jesus squares I’d be destined to purgatory. I had visions of a never ending mall in the middle of nowhere with generic stores and generic people carrying generic shopping bags full of generic merchandise with no exit. I felt a generic shiver.

So I hopped with all my might from one Jesus square to the next. It was exhausting and after what seemed like forever I came to end of the Jesus square.

There was no Jesus. There was no reward. It was a red light.

I said “fuck it” and went to the movies.

(true story)

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