Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Not So Friendly Skies

A rock star with his pants hanging low. Was his pee-pee hanging out? Was the crack of his hairy ass on full display?

A Lesbian couple sharing a tender kiss. Were their hands fondling each other’s breasts? Were they grunting that unmistakable “I’m gonna be coming any second” sound?

I asked myself those questions when I read that these people were recently asked to leave their flights. I was under the distinct impression that airline staff were on the lookout for terrorists, but I must be mistaken. Airline personnel now seem to be crowning themselves the moral and fashion police.

How does one equate low riding pants with being a terrorist? Maybe the airline personnel heard his stomach growling as he tried boarding the plane and assumed he’s be shooting killer farts upon takeoff.

How does one equate a tender kiss between consenting adults a threat? Maybe the airline personnel were afraid the kiss was really a killer kiss.

You know what makes me fearful of flying?

The plastic smiles of airline stewards and stewardesses when you ask for extra peanuts or more soda when you know damn well they don’t want to help you. Behind those smiles lurks evil.

The non-natural fabric of airline personnel uniforms. At high altitudes I fear it might self-ignite.

The germs that are nesting in the never washed airline pillows and blankets.

The outrageous prices we have to pay for seats that are abnormally narrow and truly uncomfortable.

The possibility that when I’m peeing in the plane’s bathroom the plane will hit turbulence and I’ll fall, bang my head unconscious, and be found in a puddle of piss with my johnson hanging out of my pants.

But most of all I fear that airline staff is getting away with judging and mistreating passengers all in the name of security.

The friendly skies have sadly become the not so friendly skies.

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