Monday, November 19, 2012

Soggy Cereal

I have a love hate relationship with cereal.  When it’s hard and crunchy I can’t get enough, but when it’s soft and soggy I just want to throw it in the toilet.

For me once cereal is covered with milk - whether it’s whole, 2%, or 1% - it has a very short lifespan, a matter of mere minutes before the sogginess begins to ruin the flavor assaulting my sophisticated taste buds with a sensation that no human tongue should ever endure.  I’ve tasted a lot of bad food but nothing can compare to the near vomiting convulsions induced by soggy cereal.

Why can’t a cereal company create a cereal that repels sogginess? With all the chemicals lacing our foods these days (and there are many) there must be one man-made chemical to prevent sogginess. If pieces of Wonder Break can stay fresh for decades (and they do) and McDonald’s burgers and buns maintain their indescribable flavor for years (and they do) then why can’t there be a cereal that maintains crunchiness?

Before I eat cereal I prepare making sure there will be no interruptions once the milk is poured. The iphone can ring and ring. Someone can be pounding on my door.  The house can be on fire. Nothing will delay me eating my cereal savoring the freshness of the flakes and the crunch that stimulates my taste buds.

Not long ago I noticed a woman at work eating a bowl of cereal.  She seemed to savor every spoonful. But then she carefully placed the spoon in the barely eaten cereal and left her desk. She was gone for what seemed like eternity, though in reality it was only 11 minutes. I kept staring at her cereal wanting to toss it in the trash, to save her from returning to a bowl of mush.

When she came back she picked up the spoon and took a spoonful and ate it. I saw it slide down her esophagus. I was repulsed.

I couldn’t help myself and calmly inquired about her eating soggy cereal. She told she loves it that way. She prefers her flakes soaked in milk, limp, and soggy.

I ran to the bathroom with dry heaves.

Soggy cereal is not normal. She’s not normal.

I’ve asked her not to eat cereal in the office anymore.

She laughed at me said she will.

I’ve stolen all the cereal.

Now she won’t.

No comments: