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Tuesday, April 09, 2013

A Bicycle Bell to Die For


I love riding my bicycle around the streets of Hollywood, CA.  I plan on doing it well into my 80s and 90s as long as my legs continue to be able to move the pedals. 

Unfortunately the drivers in Hollywood aren’t accustomed to bicyclists.  In their pursuit of fifteen minutes of celebrity they’re too busy texting, holding their cell phone to their ear (blue tooth? what’s that?), fiddling with their GPS, playing with themselves (don’t gasp, it happens and I’ve seen it), or looking in the mirror admiring their mediocre attractiveness to pay attention to the road.  

As a bicyclist I’m sometimes forced off the road and onto the sidewalk.  But the sidewalk pedestrians suffer the same ego driven ailments as drivers: walking and texting, walking and talking on the phone, walking with an iPod obliterating surrounding sounds, and not paying attention to anyone but themselves. 

After scaring friends with too many near death bicycle experiences two lovely friends of mine (Kim and Denise) gifted me a bicycle bell. It’s a beautiful sunflower bicycle bell.  Something my idol Pee Wee Herman would certainly envy. 


As a mature seemingly sane man I couldn’t help but yelp with glee when I opened the gift.  Yipeeee!  It’s a bicycle bell to die for. 

I’ve always wanted a bell but a very good friend threatened to disown me if I were to buy and attach a bell to my bike. Of course I think that was because in the same conversation I verbally fantasized about handlebar tassels and a front basket too.  

I sensed my friend was serious so I promised not to buy a bell, but I never promised to not accept a bicycle bell gift.  Same with handlebar tassels and front basket. 

My bell, which I’ve named Sunflower Sally, has a melodic ring with a tinge of aggressiveness which will certainly let pedestrians and drivers know to get the fuck out of my way.  I am Bicycle Michael hear me roar.

I’ve already got a somewhat too tight grey suit (a sad unfortunate result of too many visits to the donut shop) and a starched white shirt and red bow tie ready to make their bicycle debut. 

Soon you’ll be seeing me Pee Wee’d and riding the streets of Hollywood.  
Maybe then I’ll finally get those fifteen minutes of fame I’ve been chasing all these goddam years.  

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