Saturday, May 25, 2013

I Want to Die at Exactly 5:00 PM

I think a lot about death.  Not always mine.  Others people’s deaths too.

Sometimes I think about how I would want others to die especially after they piss me off.  Don’t boo-hoo me. I know and you know we all think it. I’m just ballsy enough to put it in writing.

Usually I don’t think about causing much pain.  I just imagine I have this magic finger and I ever so slowly point at the offending asshole and zap! down they go. Dead. Wouldn’t that be terrific?

I’m sure there are people who would love to point a magic finger at me and see me gurgling my last breath. Hey, sometimes I feel the same way.

Now that I’ve confessed... if you piss me off and you see me slowly extending a finger your way you now know what I’m thinking and wishing... zap!

As for me I want to die at exactly 5:00 PM on my birthday.  5:00 PM is the exact time I dropped out of the love canal (according to my birth certificate) and made my grand entrance into this wacky wild world.  Wouldn’t 5:00 PM be the perfectly appropriate time to go back to where I came from? So profound... the exact moment you come is the exact moment you leave, though hopefully with years, many years, many many years between the coming and the leaving.

I imagine myself lying on my death bed with my arms outstretched in a lordly manner.  It’s 4:57 PM and all my loved ones are gathered around my bed tearfully telling me how much I changed their lives for the better while secretly checking their watches anticipating my last breath... and anxiously awaiting the reading of my will.

Then when 5:00 PM arrives on my birthday on the year I am destined to die I will bolt upright and with a cheshire grin say “Th... Th... That’s all folks!”

Maybe it’s because my birthday is fast approaching that I ponder aloud the 5:00 PM death desire.

Rest assured when my birthday arrives this coming week I have no intention of actually dying, though I do get a tad freaky when the clock ticks that particular hour on that particular day. 

I’m not ready yet for the pedestal in the sky, and this birthday when it’s 5:01 PM you will hear me exhale a huge sigh of relief knowing for certain that I have another year to share me and my wonderful witticisms with all of you. 

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