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Wednesday, January 01, 2014

A Dead Body Lawn Ornament

 I was walking around Santa Monica, CA the other night and being the ever observant fellow I am I noticed what appeared to be an outline of a dead body on someone’s front lawn.  Entranced by curiosity (and a little excitement) I hurried to get a closer look.


It wasn’t a real body (damn!) but a mold of an outline of a body.

I immediately remembered the time I saw a dead body in the combat zone of Boston late one night and watched the police office outline it’s rather bloated plump remains with chalk. What I was doing in the combat zone late night will forever remain a secret, but the image remains a defining moment in the timeline of my life.

Of course I began to think of a possible scenario of how this body got there and why.

I imagined a person was indeed killed in that very spot (late night of course) and the killer (the homeowner) dragged the body the few block to the ocean, tied a concrete block around its head, and dumped it over the pier.  Then as a sadist joke the homeowner (aka the killer) created the dead body lawn ornament as a memorial so every time he looks out his window he can fondly remember his criminal deed and smile triumphantly knowing the dead bastard will never be found.

In the warmer months I imagine it’s filled with water and koi fish, and in the cooler months empty and cold as warning to all passers by not to mess with the owner of the house. 

In an act of bold defiance and pure fearlessness I snuck onto the lawn and gently laid inside the mold of the dead body.  I fit perfectly. 

I was about to take a selfie with my cell phone when I noticed the curtains in the nearby window slowly part. A pair of steely eyes met mine and for a brief moment we shared an understanding, an acknowledgment of what happened in that very spot possibly not too long ago.  A thrilling chill ran up and down my spine.  I was connecting with a murderer.  I felt powerful.  I felt alive.  

Then I saw the barrel of a rifle pointing out the window. My adrenaline soared and I quickly bolted up and ran faster than I’ve ever run before. 

Wow.

I want a lawn ornament just like that on my front yard.

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