Sunday, March 23, 2014

Those Totally Tantalizing Tagalongs

It’s that time of the year again when Spring has sprung and thoughts of warmer weather and sunshine and beach bodies invade our consciousness.

It’s also the time when we stand in the full length mirror naked and realize we might have added a few pounds to our usually taut bodies over the past wintery season. We see a little roll around the navel that wasn’t there this time last year. It jiggles when we sway from side to side like a tiny tidal wave of peach jello. 


Damn that Sizzler buffet.

Damn everyone whose birthday cake I was forced to eat.

Damn all those glasses of red wine I drank to drown my cold weather sorrows.

My little peach jello roll snickered at me like a big bully fat cell ready to take over my body. 

I screamed, “No, no, no… as my navy blue Speedo is my witness I will not be forced to wear oversized boxer shorts to the beach this summer!”

While still naked I quickly cleaned the refrigerator of all “bad” food, emptied the cabinets of all snacks and cookies and chocolates, and prayed to the God of Thin People to accept me back in the fold, and to exorcise the Devil of Fat from my once slim body.

With an empty refrigerator and empty cabinets I ventured to the grocery store vowing to avoid the inner aisles and only shop those outer healthy aisles. And I did. And it felt good. I embraced organic shopping. 

Then the unthinkable happened.

As I trotted out of the store I came upon GIrl Scouts selling their famous cookies. They were taunting me with there totally tantalizing Tagalongs!

I couldn’t care less about the tasteless thin mints or the dreadful shortbreads or the oh no Do-Si-Dos or the silly Savannah Smiles.

But the Tagalongs… those party-in-your-mouth watering crispy cookies layered with peanut butter and covered with a chocolaty coating were too much to ignore.  I tried to run but my big belly stood firm. I tried to scream but all that came out were dribbles of saliva. I tried to shield my eyes but the seduction had already begun.

I bought three boxes. Okay, four boxes.  

Damn it.  I’ll just get a larger Speedo.

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