Monday, April 28, 2014

Soft Kitty Warm Kitty … Purr Purr Purr

Soft Kitty
Warm Kitty
Little ball of fur

Happy Kitty
Sleepy Kitty
Purr purr purr 

That irritating little ditty, the favorite lullaby of “The Big Bang Theory’s” Sheldon Cooper, has been haunting me the past few days. I cannot get the goddamn thing out of my head. It’s like a relentless spike pounding harder and harder into my precious brain. This is what a migraine must feel like.

What makes it worse is that I hate cats.

You can boo hoo me all you want, but I just cannot warm up to cats. I don’t find them cute. I don’t find the cuddly. I find them to be smelly little creatures who make smelly little litter boxes.

I’m not cruel to cats. Not at all. When I see a cat I do say “Hello cat!” and wish it a truly happy day. I just don’t want it to have a happy day near me.

Of course cats sense my cat-repellent and they just love to rub their little furry bodies against my leg and purr, purr, purr.  And if I’m at someone’s house their cat always wants to curl up on my lap and purr, purr, purr. I say no, no. no.

So what can I do about the song? 

I’ve tried forcing it from my brain. I’ve tried replacing it with The Captain and Tennille's beloved “Muskrat Love” but that damn cat seems to chase the muskrat away. The little sissy muskrat refuses to fight back and runs, runs, runs.

I tried changing the animal lyrics from cat to llama, but I don’t know what llamas say. They don’t purr, purr, purr or do they? 

I tried cows then swans then aardvarks then zebras then birdies and well, I went through hundreds of animals but none would stay in the song. They all fled when the kitty showed up.

I was so perplexed and the pain in my head was throbbing worse than ever that I could barely eat my pork spare ribs at lunch today… wait… maybe… soft piggy…

Soft piggy
Warm piggy
Who ya gonna boink?

Horny piggy
Humpy piggy
oink, oink, oink

Yahoo! That damn cat is gone, gone, gone.

Now I’m craving pork.

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