Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Supermarket Maze

I love spontaneity.  For me it’s like a double expresso after midnight, a quick high of carefree adrenaline to offset my otherwise dullard existence.

In the name of spontaneity I sometimes have white wine instead of my beloved red, pork instead of chicken, quinoa instead of rice, and if I’m feeling dangerously spontaneous I wear my red jockstrap with my white gym shorts. 

Other times I hit shuffle on my iPod just to mix rhythms.  Ooo wee my hips go crazy and my head gets dizzy keeping up with dangling dance beats.  

Sometimes when I wake up and the blues hang heavy over my bed I add cinnamon to my coffee grinds to give my tongue a delicious zip with that first sip.

Those moments of spontaneity are mine to do as I please and when I please. 

There are things in life I don’t like to spontaneously change, especially when I’m not in a  spontaneous mood.  

Currently my favorite supermarket has begun rearranging its store shelves. For the store I’m certain it’s not the least bit spontaneous but the result of months of research and planning, but for me it’s a spontaneous change I didn’t want.

It took me by surprise and sent me on an emotional tailspin. I felt like a mouse in a maze searching desperately for the cheese, and I wanted the cheese and I wanted it badly, and the cheese was no where to be found. 

I clutched my shopping list tightly as I roamed from aisle to aisle.  Where did they put the English Muffins?  Where did they shelve the Pepperidge Farms Milano Melts?  Where oh where did they hide the coffee? Where the fuck was the coffee! 

Nacho chips replaced cereal.  Canned vegetables assaulted me when I was expecting olive oil.  Peanut butter seemed to disappear. The shelf where it happily sat for years was now empty and lonely. 

I was so discombobulated I almost bought decaf beans instead of caffeinated beans, which is the ultimate mortal coffee sin. And we all know all the cinnamon in the world cannot save a cup of decaf.

After taking what felt like hours to find everything on my list I zoomed my cart around other shoppers, almost knocking a few to the ground, to get to the checkout.  The cashier noticed my discomfort and assured me the changes will only enhance the shopper experience.  I didn’t believe her.

I asked how long until the changes are done and she said another few weeks.  

I paid for my groceries and ran from the store. When I got home I realized I purchased two cans of Fancy Feast cat food instead of two cans of Chicken of the Sea. 

Damn. I hate cats. I hate cat food. 

From now on I’m buying my groceries online.  

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