Monday, July 06, 2015

Big Butt Booty

Nobody wants a flat ass, or worse, a concave-in ass. You know the kind I mean. The ass that isn’t really an ass at all. It’s like two unappealing and unsexy tiny mounds of Play-Doh separated by a crack. There’s nothing to grab.  Clothes sag where the butt should be, and naked, well, it’s not a pretty picture.

It appears the trend now is surgically enhanced asses. Big butts. Butts so big they can be used as landing strips for DC-10s. 

A firm butt is nice to look at (and touch) and a somewhat big butt is a two-handed joy, but extra big butts… well, sometimes too big is too much and too much can be freaky. 

At the gym the other day I was nearly blinded by a woman walking towards me. She was quite tall and thin, nearing six feet, and was wearing a blue sports bra (not too big breasts) and matching blue spandex. Her prominent camel toe was eye-catching, but it was her surgically enhanced butt that was the real eye-catcher. I was surprised she was able to remain vertical. She was that wide…that big… that freaky. Her tiny waist gave way to hips that could pass for flotation devices.  

I had to stop what I was doing and watch her. I actually followed her around the gym just to make sure I saw what I saw and I wasn’t hallucinating. Hers has to be the biggest butt booty I’ve ever seen. Unnaturally shaped. 

That woman has a lot of cushion for the pushing… and it made me wonder… what’s going to happen when big butts are no longer trendy?  

Can the surgically enhanced butts be successfully surgically deflated? Once deflated will all that extra skin flap around like Dumbo’s ears?  

If this trend continues then airplane seats will need to be wider, theatre seats will need to be wider, toilet seats wider, arm chairs wider, doorways wider, bathtubs wider, Xerox machines wider to allow for big butt copying, hallways wider, cars wider… and the list goes on and on.  

Our whole physical world will need to be wider to accommodate these surgically enhanced big butts. 

Truth be told, big butts scare me. 

I‘ve been having this recurring nightmare where I’m in close proximity to a really big surgically enhanced butt and I get sucked into the crack never to be seen or heard from again. 

I am now constantly on alert at the gym fearful the blue spandex woman will be working out next to me.

She’ll get too close and whooooosh!…  I’ll be sucked in… 

Will anyone miss me? 

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