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Saturday, August 06, 2016

Malbec is My Emotional Support Pet

These days I seem to know many people having papers declaring their pet an “emotional support pet.” This way they can bring their pet everywhere from restaurants to grocery stores to department stores to work and on airplanes. With their pet by their side they feel secure and safe and empowered. Bullshit.

Now I know there are people who legitimately need pets for their emotional support and psychological well-being, and I truly support them. I applaud the pets who are trained to help those in need. It’s tremendous to see a trained pet in action when their owner is in crisis.

With the onslaught of people claiming they can’t go anywhere without their emotional support pet, it makes it difficult for those who really need their pets for support to be taken seriously.  

Like the gluten-free fad, there’s the emotional support pet fad. What’s next? I can hardly wait.

I personally know dog and cat owners who’ve gone online and bought papers to declare their pet an emotional support pet.

One dog owner did it so she wouldn’t have to pay a dog sitter. She brings her slobbering pooch to work even though the building doesn’t allow pets in the offices. She has the papers now so bow-wow.

A cat owner I know did it so she could have her cat sit next to her on an airplane. Without her cat she claims she would be too stressed, so her cat goes on vacation with her. Meow.

So… not to be left out, I have decided that Malbec wine is my emotional support pet. (My busy life doesn’t allow time for a dog, and I really dislike cats.) How did I manage this? I logged online and purchased an emotional support paper from Doctor Bombay (accepts all credit cards). The paper clearly states that I need Malbec wine in order to successfully get through the day. If I don’t have Malbec, I could go into an emotional and psychological downward spiral.

No matter where I go I have my bottle of Malbec. I sip when I get up in the morning. I sip in the shower. I sip on the subway. I sip when I’m thirsty. I sip before going to a meeting. I sip during the meeting. I sip after the meeting to de-stress from the stressful meeting.

I double-sip when someone says President Trump.

I sip while walking down the street. I sip whatever I damn well feel like it.

My paper clearly states Malbec only. Not Syrah or Shiraz or Beaujolais or Pinot Noir. Only Malbec. It’s my wine… oops, pet of choice.

Now, no one can ban me and my Malbec from any establishment in America because I have the paper to prove it’s for my emotional well-being.

I’m sipping right now…



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