I Hate Shiplap

Until a few months ago, I was happily shiplap ignorant. It was a word I never heard and a word I never spoke. Then I changed my cable service to Spectrum and my new TV package included HDTV.

One night, after a few glasses of red wine, I was lounging on the couch and channel surfing. I happened upon Fixer Upper hosted by the ever-cheerful Chip and Joanna Gaines. Yes, they are cheery folk and they seem quite genuine (unlike some other HDTV show’s hosts, which will remain nameless… for now.)

Chip and Joanna are like the Sonny & Cher of HDTV but unlike Sonny & Cher, I think Chip and Joanna really love each other.

Well, during my first Fixer Upper experience, Joanna kept say shiplap, but I thought she was saying shiplat. What the hell was shiplat?  Through the course of the show, I realized it’s slats of wood she eagerly embraces in her designs, mostly horizontal but occasionally vertical.

I called a friend to discuss the shiplat… oops, shiplap trend. My friend told me she loves shiplap and wants to incorporate it in her upcoming kitchen renovation.

Shiplap. Shiplat. Shitlap. Shitlat.

Whatever it’s called, one thing for certain is I hate it.

Sometimes I open a bottle of wine and turn on Fixer Upper and take a sip (gulp) of wine every time Chip or Joanna says the word shiplap. Recently, I went through two bottles of wine.

That night I staggered to bed and had a terrifying nightmare:

I dreamed I moved to Waco, Texas and bought a house that Chip and Joanna Gaines were renovating especially for me. When they asked if I was ready to see my fixer upper I jumped with glee… and then we went inside and as I wandered from room to room I was assaulted with shiplap walls and shiplap ceilings. I was blinded by shiplap! My heart was racing and my eyes were burning…

I woke up screaming, which woke up the little girl whose bedroom is below mine, and she started screaming because I was screaming. We ended up screaming in unison.

I blame Spectrum for providing access to the addictive HDTV.

I blame Chip Gaines for marrying Joanna and having a show on HDTV.  

I blame Joanna Gaines for introducing me to shiplap.

I vow to never have a slat of shiplap in my future house.

I vow to use the hashtag #IHateShiplap as often as possible.

I vow not to eat in my friend’s soon to be renovated shiplap kitchen.

Before shiplap, I was a happy wine drinking news junkie.

Now I’m a wine drinking shiplap junkie who cannot not watch Fixer Upper.

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