I always heard that the moment of surrender, that special
moment when we transition from earthly life to heavenly life, we are in a state
of peace and calm with a choir of angels beckoning with their pitch perfect
voices accompanied by the gentle serenade of a harp. The white light. The
beautiful journey…
Aaah… aaah… aaah…
Unfortunately, my recent near-death experience had none of
that.
It was quite recently that I was sitting at my desk at work
all tensed up over something stupid that was happening. I don’t remember exactly
what brought me to the brink of death, but I could feel the sudden onslaught of
high blood pressure, frustration trying to talk with only staccato phrases
passing through my lips, and dizziness. My face turned red. My co-worker
noticed something was amiss and suggested I have a sip of water.
I made the decision not to die in front of her, though I
certainly felt it was imminent. I got up and mumbled something incoherent about
going to the bathroom, and off to the bathroom I staggered.
Once inside, I leaned against the semi-stained porcelain
sink and held on for dear life.
My head was spinning and I was convinced I was about to drop
down. I positioned myself so that when I fell I wouldn’t bang my head against
the sink. I didn’t want to be found in a pool of blood in a men’s room. I
wanted to be a bloodless corpse.
I was ready to let go…
What I heard as I buckled at the knees was not the sound of
angels but the guttural grunts of a deep voice followed by an explosion of
farts, bombastic farts. It was a huge chorus of eardrum piercing bombastic
farts followed by even more grunts.
WTF? I clenched my
ass cheeks and realized it wasn’t me letting loose. It was someone in the
stall.
I took what little strength I had and held on tight to the
sink. I absolutely refused to fall down dead and have my soul escape my body while
on the dirty floor of a bathroom to the rhythm of someone farting a rock opera.
The guy in the stall (possibly a co-worker or even my boss) had no idea of what
was happening outside the stall.
What did I do? I reached across the sink and turned on the
water and splashed life back into me. I breathed in and out until my dizziness
subsided. I slowly forced myself back to life.
Should I have knocked on the stall door and thanked him? If
I did, what would I have said? Your farts are a lifesaver?
Instead, I headed back to my office, grateful to be alive, and
finished my work.
My dying is going to have to wait.
I want angels and harps next time.
(true story)
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