Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Unhappy Toaster

There is nothing worse than having an unhappy kitchen appliance. 

Mine is my toaster.  And it’s my fault it’s unhappy. 

All my other kitchen appliances seem quite content with me these days. The blender. The Cuisinart. The coffee maker. The whole bean coffee grinder. 

I will admit I do have issues with my microwave. Every time I turn it on I feel a strange tingling down below, in my testicles. I’ve tried ignoring it but I just can’t. That tingling doesn’t tickle the testes the way I like my testes tickled. It’s somewhat alarming. 

I don’t want to alienate my microwave altogether so I use its timer as much as possible. Sometimes I set the timer without any specific reason. I think it’s very important to practice good appliance ownership, not showing favoritism to the appliances that bring the most joy, but loving them equally.

The other day I decided for lunch I wanted a Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn. With other brands of veggie burgers I toss them in the toaster and when they pop up I put them between slices of bread and have a mmm mmm good sandwich. 

For the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn the toaster did cook it but in the process the burger crumbled. 

There was a faint odor of something burning, and when I looked inside the toaster I saw pieces of burger had fallen to the bottom of the toaster and other pieces had clung to the heating coils.

I had to lay the toaster on its side and slowly guide as many pieces out as I could. My poor toaster was choking on the pieces and couldn’t regurgitate all of it. Some pieces were too charred to be saved.

Dear Toaster… I could blame the Trader Joe’s Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burger with Black Beans & Roasted Corn for being limp and weak and not as strong as a Boca Burger, but I won’t. I should have know better, and for that I am very sorry.

Tomorrow I promise to have tuna fish for lunch. 

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Tweeting Not Tweaking

I've been tweeting a lot lately. That's T-W-E-E-T-I-N-G not tweaking. There’s a difference. Did you know that?  I didn’t but now I do. 

On Twitter I’m @mc528.  

If you need a little persuasion to follow me and my witticisms-of-life I present to you some of my recent tweets:

I want to write a book and call it "The Secret Sex Lives of My Office Mates." I know many of their #secrets and I'm ready to tell the world.

#LawrenceWelk  reruns on a Saturday night. The gowns, The blow dried hair.  The songs. Total cheese. Total joy. Totally retro.

So many movies. So little time.  So many books. So little time. So many donuts... well... I find the time.

Does anyone remember the #DefrancoFamily 's "Heartbeat It's a Lovebeat"? Listening to it now. I have an urge to get up and gyrate.

I watch what I eat. I exercise. I walk miles.  But when I look in the mirror I frown. I'm guilty of looking at myself thru a jaundiced eye.

Listening to #BobbyVinton 's "Melody of Love."  I suddenly walk to #polka all night long. Care to join me?

It's time for me to find a new hobby.  I'm thinking #Thimble collecting.  They're small and easy to hide when friends come over.

I never saw an episode of #HoneyBooBoo . I'm not interested in being a voyeur to white trash living.

Internet Radio just played a #DonJohnson song called When You Only Loved Me.  Wow... a throwback to a time I'd rather forget.

Pride Greed Envy Anger Lust Gluttony Sloth... Yep, I'm guilty.

Every time I closed my eyes last night I kept seeing dolphins swimming in my sleep.  I woke up craving the ocean. Go figure.

Did #CrystalGayle ever cut her hair, or does it now trail a couple of miles behind her?

In honor of Native American Day I've been listening to #BuffySainteMarie - Pow Wow Rock!

I'm just a simple suburban boy with a dream. A big dream. A really big dream.

Follow me.
I’ll follow you.